I was thinking today about taking the boys to the ranch. I was thinking about why I like it there so much... peaceful, quiet. I love seeing how many different colors there are, and if you stop, the smell of wild flowers and grass. There's one grass on our land, smells like wild mint. I love it, apparently, the dog does also. She kept rolling in it and actually smelled like it. she rode home next to me the entire time. I am also partial to watching the dogs run wild out there. Ask anyone, I love my dogs, spoil them. Have you ever watched a dog let loose? I mean really run, full out max? It's different than their run in a yard. no matter how big the yard is, it's a yard. When I watch Tahoe and Bandit run at the ranch... WOW! They are amazing to watch. their stride changes, you can watch them lengthen it out as the realize, no fence. Their backs are straight and they are all fluid grace. Beautiful to see. And, believe me, they know it. they know it when they run and have reached max and can keep going and they know it when I'm watching. They run together, like a team, completely in tandem. I've seen them catch rabbits, just run. They can even run, and turn on a dime and stop dead still, all together. And, the boys. complete change. they know that all of that outside if theirs to run wild on. I've been trying to teach them how to identify trees, and plants. I introduced them to whistling on Johnson grass. They were amazed. I also, may have taught them about indian grass. How to identfy it, pull it, and aim with it. we all had a great time, without any toys. and the dogs swam in tanks and chased turtles. I miss the ranch. I have thought about moving up there, but my health what it is, it's just a refuge.

Well, summer is finally here. I have big plans and no money, let's see how well they mix. The boys all did well in school this year. Parker ended the year on the A honor roll, I couldn't be more proud of him. And, believe me, he doesn't let us forget how proud of him we are. Riley maintained on the AB honor roll, solidly. Of course he can do better, we've told him so, and that it is expected. We all reminded him how loved he is and how very proud of him we are. Gabe, my real success story. He passed every class for every quarter! He just missed the AB honor roll, and by just a little bit. So close. I have very high hopes for him next year. Each boy worked so hard this year! They will each get some sort of treat. I know that Gabe wants a trip to Tokyo One, a sushi restaurant. I'm pretty sure Park and Rye will like Lego sets. The last week of school was a flurry of activity. We (the MPC) hosted the closing program, seperate end of year parties for the grammar school and the upper school. We all had a good time at the pool party. I stood in the shallow end of the pool, like a fool, and blew bubbles at the kids. They seemed to like it. I spent the rest of the day, and part of the night. Setting up for Graduation the next morning. For that I had such wonderful help, Amy, Carol, Pam. I think we made a good team. The fellowship hall looked great and the food was wonderful. I skipped out of the reception early, to go visit family from out town. I took the boys and the dogs to the ranch, in a very small car I might add. (i miss my van so much) So we visited with my dad, Uncle Bobby, Aunt Jean, Aunt Sara, Aunt Doris, and Aunt Eva. This is where life gets a little redneck. Apparently, for dinner, was the piglet that my cousin shot. They buried it in the back yard under coals and it cooked that way. The boys don't understand why we don't bury our food in the back yard and let it cook that way. Squealing animals, blood, and close neighbors don't seem to deter them. We then rushed home in order to attend birthday parties of good friends. Layla turned 1!!!! and she was so pretty. I slapped Gabe in the back of the head and blamed him that I never got to play dress up with a baby girl. She's has this dark caramel skin and glowing amber eyes, with eyelashes only seen on commercials. She was wearing a perfect pink polka dot dress with lace and tulle. I was so jealous! We had great food, and more bubbles. Then we went to Elizabeth's party. Imagine 20 7-8 year old kids, swimming, eating twizzlers, and air heads candy by the handfuls, pizza, capri sun and CAKE. It was crazy! The kids loved it! Riley came running up to me (it's 8pm) hands full of candy, candy in his mouth and frosting on his face and asks... Is there another Party we can go to? And, THAT's how their summer started.

Long time, no write. I just didn't want to. Sorry, hope that you'll forgive. Let's see... Parker had a major wipe out on his bike at the track. I was not present, and for that I'm thankful. But, I did have to have a talk with Matt about his tendency to leave out details when he texts. I got the following message, "Parker crashed." Normally, this wouldn't cause concern, but, if it was enough to make him text, he could have included..."don't worry he's fine", or "he's ok". Something. Nope, nothing else, in fact, I didn't even get a response to my, "is he ok?" and, you guessed it, no answer on the phone. Did not take long for the panic to set in. I think I went from "my day is fine" to absolute terror in less than a breath. And, believe me, he got an earful when I finally got him on the phone. Parker was fine, a little pale, a little shaky-- he voluntarily laid down in the truck to rest. He had bruises and scratches on every limb, but, I'll say this, all that protective gear we purchased? Damn fine job, no broken bones, and Parker walked away just fine. Well worth the investment.

All boys passed all classes. This is a major accomplishment I feel. Parker and Riley were on the A B honor roll, and Gabe just missed it.

I love how relaxed Matt is. He told me the other day that he looked at his calender and it's pretty clear, so he wanted to take a weekend trip. I reminded him that I only fill him in on a week by week basis, pulled up my version of the May calendar, and pointed out that almost everyday was booked, and there was a list of things I had yet to put on there I. E. graduation parties, dinners, and school events. Oh, and Matt there are the projects coming up, history night and 3 costumes to procure. The stupid dogs better not run away... I don't have time to chase after them. And my favorite past time of sleeping 'til noon? Gonna have to wait until June. Oops, forgot, June is packed. July? Filled. August? Filled, time for school. September? Ok, well sleep was overrated. Anyone else feel like life has hit warp speed?

In a test of insanity I am trying to get passports for the entire family and file for disability at the same time. There's only so much bureaucratic BS I'm willing to put up with and apparently, I'm going to use all of my patience completing these 2 tasks. We all know that I'm a patient and shy person. My issues with the DMV, I refuse to deal with and have delegated that task to Matt. In case you don't know what issues I have with the DMV, well, I don't know. My wallet was stolen with my license, and they won't send me another one. I refuse to have my picture taken for the license bald. Last I heard, Matt was pleading my case in Austin and the main DMV gods. I love him!!!! I would have just said F@!$^ IT! and gone on, kinda like I have been doing.

And last, but not least, please, pray for Riley. I don't know what has gotten in to him, but if his behavior doesn't improve, I'm probably going to beat him to death before he hits 9. (not really, but let's just say, right now, out of 3 sons and 2 dogs, he's at the very bottom of my favorites list. I may even like pickled beets better than him right now.)

Well, I haven't had a lot to say. The trips back and forth to Houston have taken a lot of time, and tried everyone's patience. I now have a treatment plan in place and will re-start chemotherapy this coming Wednesday. I now have 2 oncologists. One in Southlake, Dr. Jordan, and one in Houston, Dr. Arun. They will be working together, with me. Since I can be an outspoken patient--- I know this comes as a shock to everyone reading-- I'm hopeful that we can all work together. Dr. Arun felt that finding a Dr. close to home would benefit me and my family, since her recommended treatment happens weekly. I really didn't expect the kids to react to my being in Houston, but they have all had meltdowns recently, and I think that the travelling of both Matt and myself has only added to their burden. So, that being said, I'm glad to return home for treatment and follow up with M D Anderson, and work within their recommendations. Also, in case I haven't spoken to you in the last year or so, I really don't LIKE Houston, I tolerate it. The new drugs are supposed to be better tolerated and the only anticipated side effect is fatigue. Like I need another excuse to sleep until noon and stay in bed all day. And, bonus, my hair might grow back in. YEAH!!!!! But, honestly, if being bald brings me more days with my family, I will stay bald, but hair would be nice. I don't know how long this will go on, but hopefully this drug stops the lung tumor.

Boys' update:

All three now have their own motorcycle and all three now go to the track and ride. So far, no major accidents, only a couple of hands over the eyes, "Be Careful!!" moments. But that is only one weekend. Each is getting to know their bike, and finding their comfort level. I have some awesome pics, but my ignorance interferes. You'll just have to believe me. School, well they're all passing, I think. I know that Matt has had his hands full trying to manage everything. What with fires, knives, fighting, homework, dogs running away, and this with a full time job. He's a little tired. I empathize with him and can certainly understand. But secretly... part of me watches and thinks, "Ha!!! I've done this for years. And you used to get annoyed with me when I would yell at them." He's learning to manage the load, but it's funny to watch. And, he has learned that yelling sometimes has it's benefit. It makes the boys no difference how loud my voice is when the message is delivered, but I feel better. He's learning that as well, but he hasn't yet remembered that the dogs don't really understand him. Camo now thinks part of his name is "little shit". ; )

Update on the boys: They came to Houston for spring break. They met all sorts of cousins their age, and had a lot of kids to play with. Matt and I took the boys to the Downtown Aquarium, they loved it! and since it had an amusement park attached, loved the rides. Matt had to return t work and so, my dad and Helen came to Houston, to help me with the kids and keep them entertained. We took them to Galveston, the water was too cool to play in, but they were awed by the devastation from Ike. They got to eat their weight in seafood, at least Riley and Gabe did. Parker lives on chicken and ramen. We all took a ride to Nacogdoches, and the campus of SFA to look at the azalea's. They were beautiful! I loved it and you know that they have to be impressive if boys like the flowers. I have some amazing pictures. And one day, most likely in the distant future, I will learn how to put pictures on my site. However, Matt has a cruel sense of humor. 5 hours in a car with 3 boys, and he sends 1 (one!!!) DVD player.

OK, I know... I haven't posted in a while. I'm tired of whining, and I don't really have that much of interest to pass along. Matt took me to Houston, we got into M D Anderson Cancer Center. I've met with my Dr., repeated every scan and xray, that I just did in February and early March. I still don;t have any answers, Dr. Arun hasn't decided the course for chemotherapy. I'm a little frustrated at this, but I did travel here in hopes of finding the best. And, the best often look and study from every side before making a decision. Anyway, those of you that know me, know that patience is something I require a lot of ativan to display. After 2 weeks there, this is what I have... Bone tumors in my hips, pelvis and back are, in fact, shrinking, the lung tumor has grown larger despite chemotherapy. This presents several problems. First, I now know that I will be getting different medications, because the ones I'm on aren't working. Second, since there has been no response in the lung, this brings about the very real possibility that I may have primary lung cancer in addition to metastatic breast cancer. As you can imagine, I didn't take the news that well. I have been referred to a pulmonary oncologist for evaluation and have an appointment to meet with her next week. This one has me confused and lost, what do you pray for here? Lung cancer, primary, possible surgery? Or breast cancer mets? I truly don't know which is better, or worse. I guess, personally, you can have my lung, replace my hips and remove those vertebrae, give me chemo and make me the new bionic woman for this century. I mean if people can have all sorts of implants to look better, and surgery to sculpt the contours, then why can't they just replace all my parts? Weird, I know. Whatever, I'm on drugs, I can fantasize about replacing hips instead of boobs if I want. I go back to Houston next week, hope for the best, whatever that is.

I have spent the week with my good friend Lynsey and her husband Nick. They were kind enough to open the their home to us and let us stay here and be near the hospital. I think Matt and Nick got along ok. I hope so, I like Nick. He's a good guy, and of course I love Matt. He's a good guy also. Nick's life has been touched by Cancer and I think he could offer a unique perspective to Matt and our sons on how to deal with this. At least let them know, they're not alone. Nick seems anxious to see the boys and I hope that he and Lynsey (and their beautiful daughter) can go to NASA with us. Today I am leaving Nick and Lynsey to go stay with family. I have many family members down here in the Houston area and many have gotten in touch with me and offered the homes to me and my family while I am receiving treatment. Again, the kindness and generosity that has poured upon my family has been so unexpected, but so appreciated. Without, the support of friends and family here, I think my receiving treatment at MDA would be cost prohibitive, just because of hotels alone. God truly is amazing! And, He has certainly seen my need and heaped his grace and bounty upon me.

Tuesday I have my F/U with Dr. Arun and see what she has to say about my current treatment or if I get to try new and exciting types of rat poison. I continue to follow the cancer fighting food diet Matt found for me, I get to meet with a nutritionist at MDA also. I'm looking forward to that as well. I've also spoken with some herbalists in the DFW area (all recommended by friends) and I'm interested in hearing what they have to say. Since most of our medications are plant based, and eastern medicine has recognized herbs for millennia, I think I should be open minded enough to listen, and possibly try.

Matt comes back down on Sunday and he's bringing the boys. I can't wait to see them. I've missed them so much. And I'll be much more at ease with Matt by my side.

As always, I wish all of my friends and family members the very best, I'm just now learning that THEY are the best. Thank you each and every person for the part you have played in helping my family and me. The scrapbooks are amazing, I've still only seen one, because it makes me cry. I can't even imagine the planning, time, effort, and love that went into those books. How do you say "Thank You", for something like that. Corrie, Kim, Toni... Thank you so much for driving the boys around and getting them to and from school, not to mention homework. Toni, thank you for just sitting at the table, doing nothing else, but homework. How can I possibly thank you three for the peace of mind you gave Matt and I while we made this trip. I love you all. Thank you, just doesn't seem adequate. But, I mean it from the bottom of my heart.