I haven't written much lately, I guess because I seem to rehash the same old whining. this week was a good one. I got out of the house and that made a huge difference in my attitude. I had lunch with my friend Connie. I know her from work. She took me out, fed me mexican food and offered alcohol. I miss work. Sounds weird, I know, but I do. I miss being so busy that I don;t have time to pee. Listening to someone tell me that they have a sore throat because they've been smoking crack for the last three days, and they just want something for the pain. I also, kinda miss, the people that come in with a sick kid, "and since we're all here we might as well check in and get checked over", all 9 of them. Mostly, I miss the stimulation. Doesn't take critical thinking skills to nap and change the channel on the tv. I'm slowly crawling out of the big, black, hole of depression. I no longer contemplate suicide. I sing along with the radio, and even smile every once in a while. I know that mentally, I'm still lost, but I'm finding a way, a path. I was supposed to be at the boys' Valentine's parties, and was looking forward to it, I was going to work this week... But, side effects from my medicine kept me away from both. Good news... after 2 days of basically not walking and staying in bed and taking pain pills, I can now put on shoes. Bad news... it took 2 days and I find that frustrating because that's 2 days of my life that I missed out on. I've begun stalking people on the phone, so don't be surprised if I have your number... I will call it. What can I say, I've never done boredom well.
Labs are still looking decent. My white cells are trending down, despite Neulasta. And this after only 2 treatments. I see this as an indicator that by the time I finish all 6 treatments, I may not have many white cells left. We'll see. Also, I finally got my chart down to M D Anderson Hospital in Houston. Now, I'm just waiting to see if I can get an appointment. Pray for, "YES". I'm really interested in talking to this Dr. She works specifically with BRCA gene positive patients, that are advanced stages or having a recurrence.
On a positive note, I was attacked by a squirrel this week. I have lived in Keller basically my whole life. I have lived in a house with a forest for a yard, my whole life. I have never had a close encouter of third kind with a squirrel before. I left the windows on my van partially down, as usual, and they stayed that way for a couple of hours. I got in my van, to go on an errand only to find that a squirrel had gotten in. The squirrel was running all over the van trying to get out, I was screaming and out of the van like a flash. I assure you, most of what came out of my mouth was not nice. If the neighbors heard, I'm pretty sure they will try to keep the kids away from the "crazy" lady next door. I quickly opened all the doors and went inside the house to hide from this fiendish monster until it was safe. So, If you look into my van a see a stick, I now carry one for safety from all the attacking wildlife.

Today is a new day... Yesterday was frustrating for me and I felt like I had to argue with just about everyone to get the information and medications I need to get through the day. Phlebotomists telling me what labs should be ordered, instead of just doing what was ordered. Pharmacy Techs that feel the need to tell me my medications are unnecessary. I'm beginning to understand that Pharmacy Techs and I are not compatible at all. I'm pretty well known in my family for expressing my opinion, loudly, until you agree with me. Therefore, until I find a pharmacy, where that techs either fear me speaking to them, or just agree with the Pharmacist and/or Dr. I guess, I'll be moving my scripts around. I hate that, but I also hate having to explain and argue for my meds every single week.
My sister came by the house and took the boys out for dinner. That was perfect! allowed me to decompress and try and control the crying. (apparently, any sort of stress right now makes me cry.) As well as, gave the boys a break from the schizophrenic they have as a mom.
The dogs ran away. AGAIN! Tahoe only runs away at night, in the rain, and she takes Sugar with her. Y'all, check on Matt, He comes home to find me in tears over a sleeping pill and yelling at the Pharm Tech, discovers the dogs are missing, which makes the kids cry, and goes out in the rain and dark with a flashlight and his truck. Looking for a Black and Tan dog. He was either that anxious to get away from mass hysteria, or that desperate to find the dogs and save the day. I'm not sure which motivated him, but the end result was the same. He tried, after a long day to find lost dogs and then come home and deal with US. I'm surprised sometimes the man doesn't just hang out in bars.
The dogs, by the way, were on their own time table. Gabe woke up early and found Sugar asleep in her bed in the bathroom, and Tahoe decided it was time to come home by howling outside our bedroom window at 0300. They better have had a good time. : (

Gabe's birthday weekend went GREAT!!! He and his friends had fantastic time at Great Wolf Lodge. He waited so patiently for his party, and to those of you who made it happen... Thank you so much, He will have those memories forever. And, so will I. I observed from the side lines ( such a wimp, even THAT made me tired) and I loved every smile that crossed his face. Nothing makes me happier than to see my sons' smile.

Ok, well I had my second treatment today. I feel like I've been hit by a truck. Some little pharmacy tech decided he was going to be difficult and not refill my meds. As some of you may witnessed and/or guessed, I ate him for dinner, and my medicatoins were refilled, immediately. Another highlight, I took a shower and more hair came out by the handsfull. Matt was trying to make me feel better and made a joke about bald spots. I broke into tears, and he felt like just terrible. He was only trying to make me smile, but I'm just so damned emotional about this. Long story short, I snapped. At Matt, at the kids, at my hair, at everything. I took a pair of Kindergarten scissors and really butchered my hair. Then I took the trimmer for the back of Matt's neck and got rid of the rest of crap. I am now bald, I hate it! I acted out of anger and need to control. my price to pay. I was sick of running my hands through my hair just to see how much would come out. Fixed that! So, to those of you involved in the Hair Loss Lotto, today is the day Feb. 3rd. It's official... bald. Winner picks the charity to benefit. If everyone, who has not already paid, please forward to money to me at school if you see me, or by mail at P.O. Box 1143, Keller, TX 76248. Last count we raised $465. I also have a dinner card for the winner/winners, I'll let you chose the one you want. Again thanks to evreyone for playing and thank you even more for your thoughts, prayers, hugs and support. LOVE YOU ALL!!!!!

I went to work!!!! This for me is quite momentous. I worked Friday and Saturday 12 hours, but I didn't do pt care. No sense scaring the patients when their nurse breaks down crying or starts to act really weird. No, I was in the telemetry room watching 45 heart beats. Now when you do this you watching for abnormalities, which I so professionally refer to as "funk, funky, funkiness" pick your tense. I also watch for progression of heart attacks, possible PE and other such changes. I also refer to these as, See the above. And, my report usually consists of, "they've been well behaved, watch this one for problems." I really know what I'm doing, really. Just don't do any of the above mentioned "funk" after 0200. I was fighting off sleep and desperately trying to stay awake. Now, I know that you find this sooooo reassuring, but relax, there are two of us.... fighting off naps. World's not perfect I guess. So, anyway, it went well. We handled our "problems" and everyone got through the night.
I was exhausted and didn't attend Gabe's choir performance at church. That's the first one I've missed I think and I felt awful. I'm not even sure he noticed.
My hair is falling out by the handful now. I HATE it! I thought I would never have to go through this again, and in a few days I'll be bald...again. The best part of when my hair grew back in, was feeling the breeze/wind blow through my hair. For months now, I won't get to have that. The doctors all have posters of what cancer can't take. And, I agree with all of them, it won't take my dignity, my spirit, my family, friends, or the many other things listed. But. It does take many things which I can't help but feel like it has robbed me of. I won't feel the wind in my hair when I walk through the woods at the ranch. I won't feel the wind, when I hold one of my boys riding on the four wheeler. And, when I'm upset, how can my husband soothe me by playing with my hair. When I go out in public with my boys, I feel like I'm a walking neon sign "LOOK!!!!" she has cancer, or she's sick. People notice... some avoid, some come up and (God bless them) offer encouragement, others stare. My children notice. I wear baseball hats, because they blend in better than scarves and wigs. At least, that how I feel. It's my way of feeling "normal". I guess it is my coping mechanism, everyone finds a way. So, today my hair is here. And, like a crazy person I haven't washed it since Friday (gross but true.) I find myself trying like hell to hang on to the last thing I have, that doesn't scream that I'm different.

P.S. I have at least rinsed the dirt out, very, very gently.

Gabe's Party

For those or you wishing to contribute to Gabe's birthday party ( I humbly thank you), here are some gift card ideas...

Wal-Mart
Game Stop
Kohls
Movie Tickets
Incredible Pizza
Mountasia

Don't even think that this is a boy that does without, we are simply in a rough patch right now. I am amazed at the outpouring of support my family has received. To think of it makes me praise God and remind the boys of the example everyone is setting for them. Of how a kind, God loving person responds to others in times of need. I hope that my sons grow to be gentlemen of this sort, that would make me most proud.

Well, this week has been a whirlwind. The boys got to stay home for inclement weather for two days. They were disappointed that it was ice and not snow, and even more disappointed that I made them do homework each day. But, I think they had fun. I had my aunt Kathy and my cousin Geri visit from Sedona, AZ. We spent last Easter with them and that's when the boys got to see the Painted Desert, Petrified Forest, and the Grand Canyon. That's also the road trip where my dad and I had to endure the last 6 hours home with Mason, Gabe, Riley and Parker, riding in the Excursion in there boxers convinced they had contracted the Bubonic Plague (from that cute little mouse they caught at Cadillac Ranch.) They spent hours peppering me with questions about the plague, signs, symptoms, how long does it take to get sick, the history of the nursery rhyme, ring-around-a rosie... By the time we got to the ranch, I just told them to stop talking, and if they died on the way to the house, I would stop and leave them at the hospital. I thought it would never end. 6 weeks later, Mason had a rash on the back of his arm, he comes to me in a panic, convinced that he NOW has the plague and what should he do????? I almost cried. First, it was dry skin, second that set off a whole new round of concerns about plague among the boys and many, MANY phone calls at all hours of the night. I don't think any of my boys, will play with mice ever again.
Anyway, it was great to see them, and visit, and I will be going to Sedona in 2 weeks to spend a little more time with them.
I had my picture taken with with just my sister and I today. Pictures make me cry. It reminds me that everyone, who tell me to fight with all I've got, want a picture of me healthy, with hair, and smiling...to remember me by. It reminds me that my time is finite, and we all know it. That it may be months or years, maybe even a decade or more, but not a "lifetime". I realize that any one person, can die at any time, but for the most part we conduct our lives with no thought of our own mortality. It's kinda a mystery, you don't know where, or when, or why? and truth be told you don't think about it. I have been given a clock by which to mark my time. Pictures, mark the passing of a lifetime, the kids growing up, You and your husband, aging together. Right now, for me, pictures mean, there's a time I won't be in them. One day my sons will sit down for a photographer, my husband will smile and encourage them, and I won't be there. My time will be up, much too soon for me. I hate that my boys will now mark their memories with me by which time I had lost my hair, by where the last tumor was. That road trips and vacations will be planned around whether or not I have some sort of treatment.
I spend more time whining, don't I? I feel for each of my friends and family members. Thank you for your tolerance and patience. I'm sure this too shall pass, or else my Doc will increase my meds and then I can be blissfully medicated and walk around with a loopy drugged up grin on my face. I seriously wonder sometimes if I'm stopped by a cop, if they will make me take some sort of roadside DUI test. I wonder if I'll pass?