Update on the boys: They came to Houston for spring break. They met all sorts of cousins their age, and had a lot of kids to play with. Matt and I took the boys to the Downtown Aquarium, they loved it! and since it had an amusement park attached, loved the rides. Matt had to return t work and so, my dad and Helen came to Houston, to help me with the kids and keep them entertained. We took them to Galveston, the water was too cool to play in, but they were awed by the devastation from Ike. They got to eat their weight in seafood, at least Riley and Gabe did. Parker lives on chicken and ramen. We all took a ride to Nacogdoches, and the campus of SFA to look at the azalea's. They were beautiful! I loved it and you know that they have to be impressive if boys like the flowers. I have some amazing pictures. And one day, most likely in the distant future, I will learn how to put pictures on my site. However, Matt has a cruel sense of humor. 5 hours in a car with 3 boys, and he sends 1 (one!!!) DVD player.

OK, I know... I haven't posted in a while. I'm tired of whining, and I don't really have that much of interest to pass along. Matt took me to Houston, we got into M D Anderson Cancer Center. I've met with my Dr., repeated every scan and xray, that I just did in February and early March. I still don;t have any answers, Dr. Arun hasn't decided the course for chemotherapy. I'm a little frustrated at this, but I did travel here in hopes of finding the best. And, the best often look and study from every side before making a decision. Anyway, those of you that know me, know that patience is something I require a lot of ativan to display. After 2 weeks there, this is what I have... Bone tumors in my hips, pelvis and back are, in fact, shrinking, the lung tumor has grown larger despite chemotherapy. This presents several problems. First, I now know that I will be getting different medications, because the ones I'm on aren't working. Second, since there has been no response in the lung, this brings about the very real possibility that I may have primary lung cancer in addition to metastatic breast cancer. As you can imagine, I didn't take the news that well. I have been referred to a pulmonary oncologist for evaluation and have an appointment to meet with her next week. This one has me confused and lost, what do you pray for here? Lung cancer, primary, possible surgery? Or breast cancer mets? I truly don't know which is better, or worse. I guess, personally, you can have my lung, replace my hips and remove those vertebrae, give me chemo and make me the new bionic woman for this century. I mean if people can have all sorts of implants to look better, and surgery to sculpt the contours, then why can't they just replace all my parts? Weird, I know. Whatever, I'm on drugs, I can fantasize about replacing hips instead of boobs if I want. I go back to Houston next week, hope for the best, whatever that is.

I have spent the week with my good friend Lynsey and her husband Nick. They were kind enough to open the their home to us and let us stay here and be near the hospital. I think Matt and Nick got along ok. I hope so, I like Nick. He's a good guy, and of course I love Matt. He's a good guy also. Nick's life has been touched by Cancer and I think he could offer a unique perspective to Matt and our sons on how to deal with this. At least let them know, they're not alone. Nick seems anxious to see the boys and I hope that he and Lynsey (and their beautiful daughter) can go to NASA with us. Today I am leaving Nick and Lynsey to go stay with family. I have many family members down here in the Houston area and many have gotten in touch with me and offered the homes to me and my family while I am receiving treatment. Again, the kindness and generosity that has poured upon my family has been so unexpected, but so appreciated. Without, the support of friends and family here, I think my receiving treatment at MDA would be cost prohibitive, just because of hotels alone. God truly is amazing! And, He has certainly seen my need and heaped his grace and bounty upon me.

Tuesday I have my F/U with Dr. Arun and see what she has to say about my current treatment or if I get to try new and exciting types of rat poison. I continue to follow the cancer fighting food diet Matt found for me, I get to meet with a nutritionist at MDA also. I'm looking forward to that as well. I've also spoken with some herbalists in the DFW area (all recommended by friends) and I'm interested in hearing what they have to say. Since most of our medications are plant based, and eastern medicine has recognized herbs for millennia, I think I should be open minded enough to listen, and possibly try.

Matt comes back down on Sunday and he's bringing the boys. I can't wait to see them. I've missed them so much. And I'll be much more at ease with Matt by my side.

As always, I wish all of my friends and family members the very best, I'm just now learning that THEY are the best. Thank you each and every person for the part you have played in helping my family and me. The scrapbooks are amazing, I've still only seen one, because it makes me cry. I can't even imagine the planning, time, effort, and love that went into those books. How do you say "Thank You", for something like that. Corrie, Kim, Toni... Thank you so much for driving the boys around and getting them to and from school, not to mention homework. Toni, thank you for just sitting at the table, doing nothing else, but homework. How can I possibly thank you three for the peace of mind you gave Matt and I while we made this trip. I love you all. Thank you, just doesn't seem adequate. But, I mean it from the bottom of my heart.

Ok, I know that I haven't posted in a while, honestly, I've been too sick. I'll spare you the details. Updates, my past Oncologist and I have had a parting of the ways, We carry different opinions about my care, and I long ago lost my reverence of anyone with MD behind their name. I've seen them puke over stupid stuff, reminds you that their just people. Anyway, Matt and I have travelled to MDA in Houston. Of course, looking for a miracle, and not finding one. The clinical trial I want to join is now closed, but phase 2 is coming up and I hope to be in that. Long story short, if there has been no disease progression since starting treatment good, I will continue on same meds and they might add one additional for bones...if their has been disease progression despite treatment, well, that falls under bad news and we move on to different drugs. Basically, my expected life span is about 3-10 years. Not what we wanted to hear. The only difference in this is I place my care, trust, and hope with man and the poisons they have created, but honestly believe that only God can heal me. It truly is in His hands, no matter what they make swallow. I pray, I pray every night for my sons, my husband, my friends, family and every single person who has offered me hope. Then I pray for the selfish person that I am, and that God knows I am, and ask him to heal me. Why I think I deserve His generosity over some other person, I haven't even stopped and asked myself. I simply pray for my healing, admit that I'm selfish, not likely to change and pray for His forgiveness. If I'm wrong, at this point I'm willing to be wrong and beg God's forgiveness and grace.

Ok, well, I made it through the tummy bug, I made it through #3 chemo. I am now at work.... desperately wishing for the end of the the shift. What possesses me to agree to work 12 hour shifts, other than abject poverty, is beyond me. I'm not doing patient care, because I don't want to make mistakes, and let's face it I'm not at my best. I sit in a little room, and watch heart beats. I'm not sure how much more of this I can take. I can't wait to crawl into my bed! I may not emerge until Sunday, when Riley has to sing in the choir.
I got out and coached CC this Thursday. Well, it's more like I laid in the grass, calling out times to keep the kids on pace and instructions on form. I'm pretty sure that's not "coaching" in the traditional sense, but I think all involved were the better for it. At least the kids can say I take a "laid back" approach to CC. In case you hadn't noticed my main motivation in life is my kids and MLCA. Congrats to MLCA for putting up with my constant interfering, and "unique" approach to getting something done. My list of " I owe you so much", grows longer every day. LuElle for taking the boys on Fridays, Corrie, for picking them up on a moments notice. John and Kristi Heffron, for driving me around. Kristi and Schel and everyone else involved in the scrapbooking event that is coming up. I'm a lousy historian, and y'all make something beautiful for each of my boys and my husband. For everyone contributing to the lunches for the boys, thank you, thank you, thank you, that makes my mornings so much easier. For all of the dinners we have received... I can't even begin. Even Parker eats them and that's hard to do!
Loyalty. That has been on my mind a lot recently. It's a value we try to instill in our children, one we try to honor (as long as it doesn't cost us too much) and a value we all like to think we have. I can honestly say, that I have been described as loyal. (or beating a dead horse, you choose.) I am surprised, and gladdened to see that my co-workers, church, and school have once again stood by my side in my time of crisis. You thank God for once, but to witness it and be the recipient of such loyalty TWICE. Unbelievable. Anyway, loyalty is a too way street. One of my best friend's is no longer speaking to me. I "broke" her husband's boundary by inviting them to a family event. He's furious with me and we had quite the showdown at work, since we're both such wilting personalties. I miss my friend. She always made me laugh, and could even make fun of the fact that I was bald without being mean. Truly, she's hilarious! But, I admire her strength and loyalty to her husband. Like his decision or not, she has stood by him. And, I made a point of telling him he should be thankful for her. I'm saddened that the casualty was a friendship, but heartened that she remains true to herself, and is loyal.

I haven't posted in a week or more, I've been lying in bed wishing for a merciful end. I finally feel a little better, but tomorrow I have chemo and down the spiral we go again. For those of you keeping count (ME!!!!!!!!) This is treatment #3, with 3 to go. This does not take into account, possible radiation, and whatever fun and games MD Anderson recommends, recurrences and so on. Aaaahhh the joys of life. I have tasted a wide variety of soups in the past week. (Note to self...Tomato Soup, does not stay down well, and is scary looking when it comes back up.) The kids have had a hard week, I've been of no assistance to them at all. They come in my room, hug the lump in the bed that is presumably me and tell me, "I love you mom." I mumble something in return. Just think, my sons' fondest memories of me will not be of me, but the lump I formed under the bed comforter. And Matt says it makes no difference what type of comforter you put on the bed, "It's just a really big blanket." Whatever.

I went out to lunch with friends from work today. It's the first time Ive been out of the house in about a week. It was good to see them. We spoke of a former co-worker with cancer, and how we would all like to help her out. She won't return calls, or texts and I don't know where she lives. This bothers us all, because we don't know if she has help, or enough help. Another nurse I've worked with for years, Eva, was just diagnosed with Pancreatic cancer. I feel SMOTHERED by cancer. She has surgery on Thursday. She's about 20 years older than I, but let me spell out her options. When they do her surgery, depending on the location of the tumor and size...they will take the tail of the Pancreas, the Common Bile Duct and the Gallbladder. End result, hope for the best and she's now Diabetic. If the tumor is too big, or over to far, well you've seen those horror movies where they scoop out all you insides, that's options #2. All but necessary organs required for life are left. And, BTW, that does not include a bladder, intestines, except for a small pouch. She seemed calmed (we all know how I reacted--HYSTERIA). I asked what was the plan after the surgery? Chemo, Radiation? Newsflash to me the reason Pancreatic cancer is so deadly... Surgery is the only known treatment. I think I'd be playing 1 potato, 2 potato with the gun I plan on using. And she managed to sit calmly through lunch, talk, laugh and visit. Man, I admire her. I wish I had her strength, because honestly, I'd be under my new bed comforter.


P.S. If you ever wonder about the nurse shortage---they all have cancer.

I haven't written much lately, I guess because I seem to rehash the same old whining. this week was a good one. I got out of the house and that made a huge difference in my attitude. I had lunch with my friend Connie. I know her from work. She took me out, fed me mexican food and offered alcohol. I miss work. Sounds weird, I know, but I do. I miss being so busy that I don;t have time to pee. Listening to someone tell me that they have a sore throat because they've been smoking crack for the last three days, and they just want something for the pain. I also, kinda miss, the people that come in with a sick kid, "and since we're all here we might as well check in and get checked over", all 9 of them. Mostly, I miss the stimulation. Doesn't take critical thinking skills to nap and change the channel on the tv. I'm slowly crawling out of the big, black, hole of depression. I no longer contemplate suicide. I sing along with the radio, and even smile every once in a while. I know that mentally, I'm still lost, but I'm finding a way, a path. I was supposed to be at the boys' Valentine's parties, and was looking forward to it, I was going to work this week... But, side effects from my medicine kept me away from both. Good news... after 2 days of basically not walking and staying in bed and taking pain pills, I can now put on shoes. Bad news... it took 2 days and I find that frustrating because that's 2 days of my life that I missed out on. I've begun stalking people on the phone, so don't be surprised if I have your number... I will call it. What can I say, I've never done boredom well.
Labs are still looking decent. My white cells are trending down, despite Neulasta. And this after only 2 treatments. I see this as an indicator that by the time I finish all 6 treatments, I may not have many white cells left. We'll see. Also, I finally got my chart down to M D Anderson Hospital in Houston. Now, I'm just waiting to see if I can get an appointment. Pray for, "YES". I'm really interested in talking to this Dr. She works specifically with BRCA gene positive patients, that are advanced stages or having a recurrence.
On a positive note, I was attacked by a squirrel this week. I have lived in Keller basically my whole life. I have lived in a house with a forest for a yard, my whole life. I have never had a close encouter of third kind with a squirrel before. I left the windows on my van partially down, as usual, and they stayed that way for a couple of hours. I got in my van, to go on an errand only to find that a squirrel had gotten in. The squirrel was running all over the van trying to get out, I was screaming and out of the van like a flash. I assure you, most of what came out of my mouth was not nice. If the neighbors heard, I'm pretty sure they will try to keep the kids away from the "crazy" lady next door. I quickly opened all the doors and went inside the house to hide from this fiendish monster until it was safe. So, If you look into my van a see a stick, I now carry one for safety from all the attacking wildlife.