Long time, no write. I just didn't want to. Sorry, hope that you'll forgive. Let's see... Parker had a major wipe out on his bike at the track. I was not present, and for that I'm thankful. But, I did have to have a talk with Matt about his tendency to leave out details when he texts. I got the following message, "Parker crashed." Normally, this wouldn't cause concern, but, if it was enough to make him text, he could have included..."don't worry he's fine", or "he's ok". Something. Nope, nothing else, in fact, I didn't even get a response to my, "is he ok?" and, you guessed it, no answer on the phone. Did not take long for the panic to set in. I think I went from "my day is fine" to absolute terror in less than a breath. And, believe me, he got an earful when I finally got him on the phone. Parker was fine, a little pale, a little shaky-- he voluntarily laid down in the truck to rest. He had bruises and scratches on every limb, but, I'll say this, all that protective gear we purchased? Damn fine job, no broken bones, and Parker walked away just fine. Well worth the investment.

All boys passed all classes. This is a major accomplishment I feel. Parker and Riley were on the A B honor roll, and Gabe just missed it.

I love how relaxed Matt is. He told me the other day that he looked at his calender and it's pretty clear, so he wanted to take a weekend trip. I reminded him that I only fill him in on a week by week basis, pulled up my version of the May calendar, and pointed out that almost everyday was booked, and there was a list of things I had yet to put on there I. E. graduation parties, dinners, and school events. Oh, and Matt there are the projects coming up, history night and 3 costumes to procure. The stupid dogs better not run away... I don't have time to chase after them. And my favorite past time of sleeping 'til noon? Gonna have to wait until June. Oops, forgot, June is packed. July? Filled. August? Filled, time for school. September? Ok, well sleep was overrated. Anyone else feel like life has hit warp speed?

In a test of insanity I am trying to get passports for the entire family and file for disability at the same time. There's only so much bureaucratic BS I'm willing to put up with and apparently, I'm going to use all of my patience completing these 2 tasks. We all know that I'm a patient and shy person. My issues with the DMV, I refuse to deal with and have delegated that task to Matt. In case you don't know what issues I have with the DMV, well, I don't know. My wallet was stolen with my license, and they won't send me another one. I refuse to have my picture taken for the license bald. Last I heard, Matt was pleading my case in Austin and the main DMV gods. I love him!!!! I would have just said F@!$^ IT! and gone on, kinda like I have been doing.

And last, but not least, please, pray for Riley. I don't know what has gotten in to him, but if his behavior doesn't improve, I'm probably going to beat him to death before he hits 9. (not really, but let's just say, right now, out of 3 sons and 2 dogs, he's at the very bottom of my favorites list. I may even like pickled beets better than him right now.)

Well, I haven't had a lot to say. The trips back and forth to Houston have taken a lot of time, and tried everyone's patience. I now have a treatment plan in place and will re-start chemotherapy this coming Wednesday. I now have 2 oncologists. One in Southlake, Dr. Jordan, and one in Houston, Dr. Arun. They will be working together, with me. Since I can be an outspoken patient--- I know this comes as a shock to everyone reading-- I'm hopeful that we can all work together. Dr. Arun felt that finding a Dr. close to home would benefit me and my family, since her recommended treatment happens weekly. I really didn't expect the kids to react to my being in Houston, but they have all had meltdowns recently, and I think that the travelling of both Matt and myself has only added to their burden. So, that being said, I'm glad to return home for treatment and follow up with M D Anderson, and work within their recommendations. Also, in case I haven't spoken to you in the last year or so, I really don't LIKE Houston, I tolerate it. The new drugs are supposed to be better tolerated and the only anticipated side effect is fatigue. Like I need another excuse to sleep until noon and stay in bed all day. And, bonus, my hair might grow back in. YEAH!!!!! But, honestly, if being bald brings me more days with my family, I will stay bald, but hair would be nice. I don't know how long this will go on, but hopefully this drug stops the lung tumor.

Boys' update:

All three now have their own motorcycle and all three now go to the track and ride. So far, no major accidents, only a couple of hands over the eyes, "Be Careful!!" moments. But that is only one weekend. Each is getting to know their bike, and finding their comfort level. I have some awesome pics, but my ignorance interferes. You'll just have to believe me. School, well they're all passing, I think. I know that Matt has had his hands full trying to manage everything. What with fires, knives, fighting, homework, dogs running away, and this with a full time job. He's a little tired. I empathize with him and can certainly understand. But secretly... part of me watches and thinks, "Ha!!! I've done this for years. And you used to get annoyed with me when I would yell at them." He's learning to manage the load, but it's funny to watch. And, he has learned that yelling sometimes has it's benefit. It makes the boys no difference how loud my voice is when the message is delivered, but I feel better. He's learning that as well, but he hasn't yet remembered that the dogs don't really understand him. Camo now thinks part of his name is "little shit". ; )

Update on the boys: They came to Houston for spring break. They met all sorts of cousins their age, and had a lot of kids to play with. Matt and I took the boys to the Downtown Aquarium, they loved it! and since it had an amusement park attached, loved the rides. Matt had to return t work and so, my dad and Helen came to Houston, to help me with the kids and keep them entertained. We took them to Galveston, the water was too cool to play in, but they were awed by the devastation from Ike. They got to eat their weight in seafood, at least Riley and Gabe did. Parker lives on chicken and ramen. We all took a ride to Nacogdoches, and the campus of SFA to look at the azalea's. They were beautiful! I loved it and you know that they have to be impressive if boys like the flowers. I have some amazing pictures. And one day, most likely in the distant future, I will learn how to put pictures on my site. However, Matt has a cruel sense of humor. 5 hours in a car with 3 boys, and he sends 1 (one!!!) DVD player.

OK, I know... I haven't posted in a while. I'm tired of whining, and I don't really have that much of interest to pass along. Matt took me to Houston, we got into M D Anderson Cancer Center. I've met with my Dr., repeated every scan and xray, that I just did in February and early March. I still don;t have any answers, Dr. Arun hasn't decided the course for chemotherapy. I'm a little frustrated at this, but I did travel here in hopes of finding the best. And, the best often look and study from every side before making a decision. Anyway, those of you that know me, know that patience is something I require a lot of ativan to display. After 2 weeks there, this is what I have... Bone tumors in my hips, pelvis and back are, in fact, shrinking, the lung tumor has grown larger despite chemotherapy. This presents several problems. First, I now know that I will be getting different medications, because the ones I'm on aren't working. Second, since there has been no response in the lung, this brings about the very real possibility that I may have primary lung cancer in addition to metastatic breast cancer. As you can imagine, I didn't take the news that well. I have been referred to a pulmonary oncologist for evaluation and have an appointment to meet with her next week. This one has me confused and lost, what do you pray for here? Lung cancer, primary, possible surgery? Or breast cancer mets? I truly don't know which is better, or worse. I guess, personally, you can have my lung, replace my hips and remove those vertebrae, give me chemo and make me the new bionic woman for this century. I mean if people can have all sorts of implants to look better, and surgery to sculpt the contours, then why can't they just replace all my parts? Weird, I know. Whatever, I'm on drugs, I can fantasize about replacing hips instead of boobs if I want. I go back to Houston next week, hope for the best, whatever that is.

I have spent the week with my good friend Lynsey and her husband Nick. They were kind enough to open the their home to us and let us stay here and be near the hospital. I think Matt and Nick got along ok. I hope so, I like Nick. He's a good guy, and of course I love Matt. He's a good guy also. Nick's life has been touched by Cancer and I think he could offer a unique perspective to Matt and our sons on how to deal with this. At least let them know, they're not alone. Nick seems anxious to see the boys and I hope that he and Lynsey (and their beautiful daughter) can go to NASA with us. Today I am leaving Nick and Lynsey to go stay with family. I have many family members down here in the Houston area and many have gotten in touch with me and offered the homes to me and my family while I am receiving treatment. Again, the kindness and generosity that has poured upon my family has been so unexpected, but so appreciated. Without, the support of friends and family here, I think my receiving treatment at MDA would be cost prohibitive, just because of hotels alone. God truly is amazing! And, He has certainly seen my need and heaped his grace and bounty upon me.

Tuesday I have my F/U with Dr. Arun and see what she has to say about my current treatment or if I get to try new and exciting types of rat poison. I continue to follow the cancer fighting food diet Matt found for me, I get to meet with a nutritionist at MDA also. I'm looking forward to that as well. I've also spoken with some herbalists in the DFW area (all recommended by friends) and I'm interested in hearing what they have to say. Since most of our medications are plant based, and eastern medicine has recognized herbs for millennia, I think I should be open minded enough to listen, and possibly try.

Matt comes back down on Sunday and he's bringing the boys. I can't wait to see them. I've missed them so much. And I'll be much more at ease with Matt by my side.

As always, I wish all of my friends and family members the very best, I'm just now learning that THEY are the best. Thank you each and every person for the part you have played in helping my family and me. The scrapbooks are amazing, I've still only seen one, because it makes me cry. I can't even imagine the planning, time, effort, and love that went into those books. How do you say "Thank You", for something like that. Corrie, Kim, Toni... Thank you so much for driving the boys around and getting them to and from school, not to mention homework. Toni, thank you for just sitting at the table, doing nothing else, but homework. How can I possibly thank you three for the peace of mind you gave Matt and I while we made this trip. I love you all. Thank you, just doesn't seem adequate. But, I mean it from the bottom of my heart.

Ok, I know that I haven't posted in a while, honestly, I've been too sick. I'll spare you the details. Updates, my past Oncologist and I have had a parting of the ways, We carry different opinions about my care, and I long ago lost my reverence of anyone with MD behind their name. I've seen them puke over stupid stuff, reminds you that their just people. Anyway, Matt and I have travelled to MDA in Houston. Of course, looking for a miracle, and not finding one. The clinical trial I want to join is now closed, but phase 2 is coming up and I hope to be in that. Long story short, if there has been no disease progression since starting treatment good, I will continue on same meds and they might add one additional for bones...if their has been disease progression despite treatment, well, that falls under bad news and we move on to different drugs. Basically, my expected life span is about 3-10 years. Not what we wanted to hear. The only difference in this is I place my care, trust, and hope with man and the poisons they have created, but honestly believe that only God can heal me. It truly is in His hands, no matter what they make swallow. I pray, I pray every night for my sons, my husband, my friends, family and every single person who has offered me hope. Then I pray for the selfish person that I am, and that God knows I am, and ask him to heal me. Why I think I deserve His generosity over some other person, I haven't even stopped and asked myself. I simply pray for my healing, admit that I'm selfish, not likely to change and pray for His forgiveness. If I'm wrong, at this point I'm willing to be wrong and beg God's forgiveness and grace.

Ok, well, I made it through the tummy bug, I made it through #3 chemo. I am now at work.... desperately wishing for the end of the the shift. What possesses me to agree to work 12 hour shifts, other than abject poverty, is beyond me. I'm not doing patient care, because I don't want to make mistakes, and let's face it I'm not at my best. I sit in a little room, and watch heart beats. I'm not sure how much more of this I can take. I can't wait to crawl into my bed! I may not emerge until Sunday, when Riley has to sing in the choir.
I got out and coached CC this Thursday. Well, it's more like I laid in the grass, calling out times to keep the kids on pace and instructions on form. I'm pretty sure that's not "coaching" in the traditional sense, but I think all involved were the better for it. At least the kids can say I take a "laid back" approach to CC. In case you hadn't noticed my main motivation in life is my kids and MLCA. Congrats to MLCA for putting up with my constant interfering, and "unique" approach to getting something done. My list of " I owe you so much", grows longer every day. LuElle for taking the boys on Fridays, Corrie, for picking them up on a moments notice. John and Kristi Heffron, for driving me around. Kristi and Schel and everyone else involved in the scrapbooking event that is coming up. I'm a lousy historian, and y'all make something beautiful for each of my boys and my husband. For everyone contributing to the lunches for the boys, thank you, thank you, thank you, that makes my mornings so much easier. For all of the dinners we have received... I can't even begin. Even Parker eats them and that's hard to do!
Loyalty. That has been on my mind a lot recently. It's a value we try to instill in our children, one we try to honor (as long as it doesn't cost us too much) and a value we all like to think we have. I can honestly say, that I have been described as loyal. (or beating a dead horse, you choose.) I am surprised, and gladdened to see that my co-workers, church, and school have once again stood by my side in my time of crisis. You thank God for once, but to witness it and be the recipient of such loyalty TWICE. Unbelievable. Anyway, loyalty is a too way street. One of my best friend's is no longer speaking to me. I "broke" her husband's boundary by inviting them to a family event. He's furious with me and we had quite the showdown at work, since we're both such wilting personalties. I miss my friend. She always made me laugh, and could even make fun of the fact that I was bald without being mean. Truly, she's hilarious! But, I admire her strength and loyalty to her husband. Like his decision or not, she has stood by him. And, I made a point of telling him he should be thankful for her. I'm saddened that the casualty was a friendship, but heartened that she remains true to herself, and is loyal.