Ask and ye shall receive...

Wow!!!! The tears are flowing (has anybody seen me not cry in the last few weeks?) I asked for a completely unnecessary expense, something for my son. And the response has been overwhelming. Thank you to my sister, for immediately stepping up and saying, "let me do this for you." Thank you to Tara Wright, my friend, co-worker, and fearless (hyperactive?) cancer warrior, for immediately saying, " We can do this! Let's pick a date." To Julie, just your thoughts of help and offers to share are the very attributes I hope to teach my sons, Thank you. Through all of this I try to maintain, that caring and generosity, and love are some of the most important gifts I can share with my boys. Because of all of you and the thoughts, prayers and love you share, you have set a very POWERFUL example for them to follow. Sarah Cantrell. Words cannot express my gratitude. Thank you for being such a thoughtful friend, and quick to respond. Gabe's birthday party is very important to me, and y'all have made it important to you. Thank you.

I have a need...

Here goes... I have a need. My eldest son, Gabe, has yet to have a 13th birthday party. I wanted to do something really special for him. I feel so bad for him, he's been so loving, understanding and helpful under some of the most trying circumstance, and his life just keeps being disrupted. I would like to take him and a few friends to Great Wolf Lodge in Grapevine. I won't be able to swim in the park (something to do with little to no immune system, but hey, who needs it anyway!) but I can supervise, and being a hotel I will have a room to rest in. I think that he and his friends would have a nice time. I'm so sorry to ask, at this time I just can't make any celebration a reality for him and he's been so patient and looking forward to his party. I thank God with each and every breath, that I have this venue for expression, and friends and family willing to listen (and read!) my whining. My goodness! Don't you have something more interesting to do or read?????

4 Days Down...

Well, let's see. 4 days down out of a 21 day cycle. The laundry is caught up, the kitchen is clean. I am avoiding the bathrooms, because I detest cleaning bathrooms. (this is not a call to arms. I will get it done...eventually.) I'm tired, I have a lot of bone pain. I blame my best friend Ann for that. She came to the house and gave me my Neulasta shot. But, I thank her, because that means one less trip to the Dr.'s office. The boys are doing well, Gabe and I have had several very honest conversations with each other. That's a lot to shoulder at such a young age and I feel like I am burdening him to lighten my load. That being said, he usually initiates these chats, we both cry, hug and look forward to our future. I told him I was proud of him and he seems surprised. I explained that he's grown so mature, a true example of the man I hope he'll be. Strong in mind, body, spirit, self, God. He appears to me to be my shining beacon. I love him so much. Park and Rye, well, they are having a blast with mom being home so much now. I have become the target of many Nerf darts. And, I'll honestly say, 3 weeks ago, that would have really annoyed me. The fact that they don't, yet, view me as ill, and want to play with me... does me wonders. Even the dogs have benefited greatly, they are enjoying many more treats these days. My mom and step-dad, nephews, sister, have all been wonderful. Hugs, foot rubs (which I admit, I exploit.) you name it my family his there for me. My dad calls everyday to update me on the prayers of my extended family, and offer his support.
To each and every person who has included me and my family in their prayers and hearts, for every meal, lunch, hugs, tear shared, phone call, email and text message...I thank you profusely. It's so easy to be come isolated in illness and you make me feel still a part of the outside world. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

The day after...

OK, I obviously lived through the night. I helped get the boys get ready for school, which felt so blessedly normal I actually look forward to it. My balance and equilibrium are off which led my step-dad to ask if I'd been drinking. I told him no, of course, but if he would kindly lead me to his stash I could help lighten his load.

I have decided when you plan your days and weeks around Dr. appointments, you feel old. When you look in the pill divider and the don't all fit, you feel old. When your pills make up your breakfast, you old. Enough said... the very young dogs want to play with the thing lying on the bed. (me)

Big Day

I'm to start chemo today. I think Matt's a little concerned as it is 0945 and I have not yet gotten in the shower. Reluctant doesn't even begin to cover how I feel. "Lamb to the slaughter" seems to cover my sentiments pretty well. We'll see...

Monday, Monday...

Well, let's see. I guess I can start this project with info. I have started this blog to keep my family and friends updated on what the boys are doing, both in school and out. As well as, Matt, how he's feeling and what going with him. And, of course, me. Quick background on me. 2 years ago, December 2006, I was diagnosed with Stg 2b breast cancer. I was 32. Turns out I am BRCA1 positive---no surprise there as most women in my family have had breast cancer at some point, and I was 2 years older than my mom was when she was diagnosed. I went through the hell of chemotherapy, followed by radiation. Which, by the way, is a special hell I hope few are honored to endure. Ahh freedom. I enjoyed the next year tremendously. I co-chaired VBS for our church, I helped coach Cross Country for the school, I was camp nurse at the camp my boys attend.I took the boys on a road trip to the Grand Canyon. I returned to work. My husband and I made plans and were looking forward to buying a house and leaving my mother's. On Janauary 3, 2009, I went to the hospital complaining of right sided chest pain with inspiration and short of breath. What I thought would be pneumonia, and possibly a PE, was in fact breast cancer metastisis to my right lung, good news doesn't stop there- The bone scan revealed that I have mets in both hips as well as, my low back. (enter hysterical crying here)

I spent a week in the hospital, and was finally sent back to my home, with a plan in place. I am to begin chemotherapy on Tuesday for what is now Stg 4 breast cancer. I now find that my life expectancy has been considerably shortened, and I'm not very happy about it. Bless his heart, Matt responded, "Honey, you're just in a deep depression." Besides wanting to throw something at him, my considered response was, "You think?" So... that being said I have started this journal, so to speak, as an outlet, and information for friends and family. If I rant angrily, please forgive, If I'm slow to post please forgive. I have had so many people reach out to me and my family. The response has been amazing. Messiah Lutheran Church and School, such a loving support last time, has once again offered their assistance. North Hills Hospital, the staff in so many departments, have shared tears, given hugs, offered help, prayers, you name it. To each and every person, I can not thank you enough. Enough whingin for tonight, tomorrow is day 1, round 2. Wish me luck.