Ok, well I had my second treatment today. I feel like I've been hit by a truck. Some little pharmacy tech decided he was going to be difficult and not refill my meds. As some of you may witnessed and/or guessed, I ate him for dinner, and my medicatoins were refilled, immediately. Another highlight, I took a shower and more hair came out by the handsfull. Matt was trying to make me feel better and made a joke about bald spots. I broke into tears, and he felt like just terrible. He was only trying to make me smile, but I'm just so damned emotional about this. Long story short, I snapped. At Matt, at the kids, at my hair, at everything. I took a pair of Kindergarten scissors and really butchered my hair. Then I took the trimmer for the back of Matt's neck and got rid of the rest of crap. I am now bald, I hate it! I acted out of anger and need to control. my price to pay. I was sick of running my hands through my hair just to see how much would come out. Fixed that! So, to those of you involved in the Hair Loss Lotto, today is the day Feb. 3rd. It's official... bald. Winner picks the charity to benefit. If everyone, who has not already paid, please forward to money to me at school if you see me, or by mail at P.O. Box 1143, Keller, TX 76248. Last count we raised $465. I also have a dinner card for the winner/winners, I'll let you chose the one you want. Again thanks to evreyone for playing and thank you even more for your thoughts, prayers, hugs and support. LOVE YOU ALL!!!!!

I went to work!!!! This for me is quite momentous. I worked Friday and Saturday 12 hours, but I didn't do pt care. No sense scaring the patients when their nurse breaks down crying or starts to act really weird. No, I was in the telemetry room watching 45 heart beats. Now when you do this you watching for abnormalities, which I so professionally refer to as "funk, funky, funkiness" pick your tense. I also watch for progression of heart attacks, possible PE and other such changes. I also refer to these as, See the above. And, my report usually consists of, "they've been well behaved, watch this one for problems." I really know what I'm doing, really. Just don't do any of the above mentioned "funk" after 0200. I was fighting off sleep and desperately trying to stay awake. Now, I know that you find this sooooo reassuring, but relax, there are two of us.... fighting off naps. World's not perfect I guess. So, anyway, it went well. We handled our "problems" and everyone got through the night.
I was exhausted and didn't attend Gabe's choir performance at church. That's the first one I've missed I think and I felt awful. I'm not even sure he noticed.
My hair is falling out by the handful now. I HATE it! I thought I would never have to go through this again, and in a few days I'll be bald...again. The best part of when my hair grew back in, was feeling the breeze/wind blow through my hair. For months now, I won't get to have that. The doctors all have posters of what cancer can't take. And, I agree with all of them, it won't take my dignity, my spirit, my family, friends, or the many other things listed. But. It does take many things which I can't help but feel like it has robbed me of. I won't feel the wind in my hair when I walk through the woods at the ranch. I won't feel the wind, when I hold one of my boys riding on the four wheeler. And, when I'm upset, how can my husband soothe me by playing with my hair. When I go out in public with my boys, I feel like I'm a walking neon sign "LOOK!!!!" she has cancer, or she's sick. People notice... some avoid, some come up and (God bless them) offer encouragement, others stare. My children notice. I wear baseball hats, because they blend in better than scarves and wigs. At least, that how I feel. It's my way of feeling "normal". I guess it is my coping mechanism, everyone finds a way. So, today my hair is here. And, like a crazy person I haven't washed it since Friday (gross but true.) I find myself trying like hell to hang on to the last thing I have, that doesn't scream that I'm different.

P.S. I have at least rinsed the dirt out, very, very gently.