I was thinking today about taking the boys to the ranch. I was thinking about why I like it there so much... peaceful, quiet. I love seeing how many different colors there are, and if you stop, the smell of wild flowers and grass. There's one grass on our land, smells like wild mint. I love it, apparently, the dog does also. She kept rolling in it and actually smelled like it. she rode home next to me the entire time. I am also partial to watching the dogs run wild out there. Ask anyone, I love my dogs, spoil them. Have you ever watched a dog let loose? I mean really run, full out max? It's different than their run in a yard. no matter how big the yard is, it's a yard. When I watch Tahoe and Bandit run at the ranch... WOW! They are amazing to watch. their stride changes, you can watch them lengthen it out as the realize, no fence. Their backs are straight and they are all fluid grace. Beautiful to see. And, believe me, they know it. they know it when they run and have reached max and can keep going and they know it when I'm watching. They run together, like a team, completely in tandem. I've seen them catch rabbits, just run. They can even run, and turn on a dime and stop dead still, all together. And, the boys. complete change. they know that all of that outside if theirs to run wild on. I've been trying to teach them how to identify trees, and plants. I introduced them to whistling on Johnson grass. They were amazed. I also, may have taught them about indian grass. How to identfy it, pull it, and aim with it. we all had a great time, without any toys. and the dogs swam in tanks and chased turtles. I miss the ranch. I have thought about moving up there, but my health what it is, it's just a refuge.

Well, summer is finally here. I have big plans and no money, let's see how well they mix. The boys all did well in school this year. Parker ended the year on the A honor roll, I couldn't be more proud of him. And, believe me, he doesn't let us forget how proud of him we are. Riley maintained on the AB honor roll, solidly. Of course he can do better, we've told him so, and that it is expected. We all reminded him how loved he is and how very proud of him we are. Gabe, my real success story. He passed every class for every quarter! He just missed the AB honor roll, and by just a little bit. So close. I have very high hopes for him next year. Each boy worked so hard this year! They will each get some sort of treat. I know that Gabe wants a trip to Tokyo One, a sushi restaurant. I'm pretty sure Park and Rye will like Lego sets. The last week of school was a flurry of activity. We (the MPC) hosted the closing program, seperate end of year parties for the grammar school and the upper school. We all had a good time at the pool party. I stood in the shallow end of the pool, like a fool, and blew bubbles at the kids. They seemed to like it. I spent the rest of the day, and part of the night. Setting up for Graduation the next morning. For that I had such wonderful help, Amy, Carol, Pam. I think we made a good team. The fellowship hall looked great and the food was wonderful. I skipped out of the reception early, to go visit family from out town. I took the boys and the dogs to the ranch, in a very small car I might add. (i miss my van so much) So we visited with my dad, Uncle Bobby, Aunt Jean, Aunt Sara, Aunt Doris, and Aunt Eva. This is where life gets a little redneck. Apparently, for dinner, was the piglet that my cousin shot. They buried it in the back yard under coals and it cooked that way. The boys don't understand why we don't bury our food in the back yard and let it cook that way. Squealing animals, blood, and close neighbors don't seem to deter them. We then rushed home in order to attend birthday parties of good friends. Layla turned 1!!!! and she was so pretty. I slapped Gabe in the back of the head and blamed him that I never got to play dress up with a baby girl. She's has this dark caramel skin and glowing amber eyes, with eyelashes only seen on commercials. She was wearing a perfect pink polka dot dress with lace and tulle. I was so jealous! We had great food, and more bubbles. Then we went to Elizabeth's party. Imagine 20 7-8 year old kids, swimming, eating twizzlers, and air heads candy by the handfuls, pizza, capri sun and CAKE. It was crazy! The kids loved it! Riley came running up to me (it's 8pm) hands full of candy, candy in his mouth and frosting on his face and asks... Is there another Party we can go to? And, THAT's how their summer started.

Long time, no write. I just didn't want to. Sorry, hope that you'll forgive. Let's see... Parker had a major wipe out on his bike at the track. I was not present, and for that I'm thankful. But, I did have to have a talk with Matt about his tendency to leave out details when he texts. I got the following message, "Parker crashed." Normally, this wouldn't cause concern, but, if it was enough to make him text, he could have included..."don't worry he's fine", or "he's ok". Something. Nope, nothing else, in fact, I didn't even get a response to my, "is he ok?" and, you guessed it, no answer on the phone. Did not take long for the panic to set in. I think I went from "my day is fine" to absolute terror in less than a breath. And, believe me, he got an earful when I finally got him on the phone. Parker was fine, a little pale, a little shaky-- he voluntarily laid down in the truck to rest. He had bruises and scratches on every limb, but, I'll say this, all that protective gear we purchased? Damn fine job, no broken bones, and Parker walked away just fine. Well worth the investment.

All boys passed all classes. This is a major accomplishment I feel. Parker and Riley were on the A B honor roll, and Gabe just missed it.

I love how relaxed Matt is. He told me the other day that he looked at his calender and it's pretty clear, so he wanted to take a weekend trip. I reminded him that I only fill him in on a week by week basis, pulled up my version of the May calendar, and pointed out that almost everyday was booked, and there was a list of things I had yet to put on there I. E. graduation parties, dinners, and school events. Oh, and Matt there are the projects coming up, history night and 3 costumes to procure. The stupid dogs better not run away... I don't have time to chase after them. And my favorite past time of sleeping 'til noon? Gonna have to wait until June. Oops, forgot, June is packed. July? Filled. August? Filled, time for school. September? Ok, well sleep was overrated. Anyone else feel like life has hit warp speed?

In a test of insanity I am trying to get passports for the entire family and file for disability at the same time. There's only so much bureaucratic BS I'm willing to put up with and apparently, I'm going to use all of my patience completing these 2 tasks. We all know that I'm a patient and shy person. My issues with the DMV, I refuse to deal with and have delegated that task to Matt. In case you don't know what issues I have with the DMV, well, I don't know. My wallet was stolen with my license, and they won't send me another one. I refuse to have my picture taken for the license bald. Last I heard, Matt was pleading my case in Austin and the main DMV gods. I love him!!!! I would have just said F@!$^ IT! and gone on, kinda like I have been doing.

And last, but not least, please, pray for Riley. I don't know what has gotten in to him, but if his behavior doesn't improve, I'm probably going to beat him to death before he hits 9. (not really, but let's just say, right now, out of 3 sons and 2 dogs, he's at the very bottom of my favorites list. I may even like pickled beets better than him right now.)

Well, I haven't had a lot to say. The trips back and forth to Houston have taken a lot of time, and tried everyone's patience. I now have a treatment plan in place and will re-start chemotherapy this coming Wednesday. I now have 2 oncologists. One in Southlake, Dr. Jordan, and one in Houston, Dr. Arun. They will be working together, with me. Since I can be an outspoken patient--- I know this comes as a shock to everyone reading-- I'm hopeful that we can all work together. Dr. Arun felt that finding a Dr. close to home would benefit me and my family, since her recommended treatment happens weekly. I really didn't expect the kids to react to my being in Houston, but they have all had meltdowns recently, and I think that the travelling of both Matt and myself has only added to their burden. So, that being said, I'm glad to return home for treatment and follow up with M D Anderson, and work within their recommendations. Also, in case I haven't spoken to you in the last year or so, I really don't LIKE Houston, I tolerate it. The new drugs are supposed to be better tolerated and the only anticipated side effect is fatigue. Like I need another excuse to sleep until noon and stay in bed all day. And, bonus, my hair might grow back in. YEAH!!!!! But, honestly, if being bald brings me more days with my family, I will stay bald, but hair would be nice. I don't know how long this will go on, but hopefully this drug stops the lung tumor.

Boys' update:

All three now have their own motorcycle and all three now go to the track and ride. So far, no major accidents, only a couple of hands over the eyes, "Be Careful!!" moments. But that is only one weekend. Each is getting to know their bike, and finding their comfort level. I have some awesome pics, but my ignorance interferes. You'll just have to believe me. School, well they're all passing, I think. I know that Matt has had his hands full trying to manage everything. What with fires, knives, fighting, homework, dogs running away, and this with a full time job. He's a little tired. I empathize with him and can certainly understand. But secretly... part of me watches and thinks, "Ha!!! I've done this for years. And you used to get annoyed with me when I would yell at them." He's learning to manage the load, but it's funny to watch. And, he has learned that yelling sometimes has it's benefit. It makes the boys no difference how loud my voice is when the message is delivered, but I feel better. He's learning that as well, but he hasn't yet remembered that the dogs don't really understand him. Camo now thinks part of his name is "little shit". ; )

Update on the boys: They came to Houston for spring break. They met all sorts of cousins their age, and had a lot of kids to play with. Matt and I took the boys to the Downtown Aquarium, they loved it! and since it had an amusement park attached, loved the rides. Matt had to return t work and so, my dad and Helen came to Houston, to help me with the kids and keep them entertained. We took them to Galveston, the water was too cool to play in, but they were awed by the devastation from Ike. They got to eat their weight in seafood, at least Riley and Gabe did. Parker lives on chicken and ramen. We all took a ride to Nacogdoches, and the campus of SFA to look at the azalea's. They were beautiful! I loved it and you know that they have to be impressive if boys like the flowers. I have some amazing pictures. And one day, most likely in the distant future, I will learn how to put pictures on my site. However, Matt has a cruel sense of humor. 5 hours in a car with 3 boys, and he sends 1 (one!!!) DVD player.

OK, I know... I haven't posted in a while. I'm tired of whining, and I don't really have that much of interest to pass along. Matt took me to Houston, we got into M D Anderson Cancer Center. I've met with my Dr., repeated every scan and xray, that I just did in February and early March. I still don;t have any answers, Dr. Arun hasn't decided the course for chemotherapy. I'm a little frustrated at this, but I did travel here in hopes of finding the best. And, the best often look and study from every side before making a decision. Anyway, those of you that know me, know that patience is something I require a lot of ativan to display. After 2 weeks there, this is what I have... Bone tumors in my hips, pelvis and back are, in fact, shrinking, the lung tumor has grown larger despite chemotherapy. This presents several problems. First, I now know that I will be getting different medications, because the ones I'm on aren't working. Second, since there has been no response in the lung, this brings about the very real possibility that I may have primary lung cancer in addition to metastatic breast cancer. As you can imagine, I didn't take the news that well. I have been referred to a pulmonary oncologist for evaluation and have an appointment to meet with her next week. This one has me confused and lost, what do you pray for here? Lung cancer, primary, possible surgery? Or breast cancer mets? I truly don't know which is better, or worse. I guess, personally, you can have my lung, replace my hips and remove those vertebrae, give me chemo and make me the new bionic woman for this century. I mean if people can have all sorts of implants to look better, and surgery to sculpt the contours, then why can't they just replace all my parts? Weird, I know. Whatever, I'm on drugs, I can fantasize about replacing hips instead of boobs if I want. I go back to Houston next week, hope for the best, whatever that is.

I have spent the week with my good friend Lynsey and her husband Nick. They were kind enough to open the their home to us and let us stay here and be near the hospital. I think Matt and Nick got along ok. I hope so, I like Nick. He's a good guy, and of course I love Matt. He's a good guy also. Nick's life has been touched by Cancer and I think he could offer a unique perspective to Matt and our sons on how to deal with this. At least let them know, they're not alone. Nick seems anxious to see the boys and I hope that he and Lynsey (and their beautiful daughter) can go to NASA with us. Today I am leaving Nick and Lynsey to go stay with family. I have many family members down here in the Houston area and many have gotten in touch with me and offered the homes to me and my family while I am receiving treatment. Again, the kindness and generosity that has poured upon my family has been so unexpected, but so appreciated. Without, the support of friends and family here, I think my receiving treatment at MDA would be cost prohibitive, just because of hotels alone. God truly is amazing! And, He has certainly seen my need and heaped his grace and bounty upon me.

Tuesday I have my F/U with Dr. Arun and see what she has to say about my current treatment or if I get to try new and exciting types of rat poison. I continue to follow the cancer fighting food diet Matt found for me, I get to meet with a nutritionist at MDA also. I'm looking forward to that as well. I've also spoken with some herbalists in the DFW area (all recommended by friends) and I'm interested in hearing what they have to say. Since most of our medications are plant based, and eastern medicine has recognized herbs for millennia, I think I should be open minded enough to listen, and possibly try.

Matt comes back down on Sunday and he's bringing the boys. I can't wait to see them. I've missed them so much. And I'll be much more at ease with Matt by my side.

As always, I wish all of my friends and family members the very best, I'm just now learning that THEY are the best. Thank you each and every person for the part you have played in helping my family and me. The scrapbooks are amazing, I've still only seen one, because it makes me cry. I can't even imagine the planning, time, effort, and love that went into those books. How do you say "Thank You", for something like that. Corrie, Kim, Toni... Thank you so much for driving the boys around and getting them to and from school, not to mention homework. Toni, thank you for just sitting at the table, doing nothing else, but homework. How can I possibly thank you three for the peace of mind you gave Matt and I while we made this trip. I love you all. Thank you, just doesn't seem adequate. But, I mean it from the bottom of my heart.

Ok, I know that I haven't posted in a while, honestly, I've been too sick. I'll spare you the details. Updates, my past Oncologist and I have had a parting of the ways, We carry different opinions about my care, and I long ago lost my reverence of anyone with MD behind their name. I've seen them puke over stupid stuff, reminds you that their just people. Anyway, Matt and I have travelled to MDA in Houston. Of course, looking for a miracle, and not finding one. The clinical trial I want to join is now closed, but phase 2 is coming up and I hope to be in that. Long story short, if there has been no disease progression since starting treatment good, I will continue on same meds and they might add one additional for bones...if their has been disease progression despite treatment, well, that falls under bad news and we move on to different drugs. Basically, my expected life span is about 3-10 years. Not what we wanted to hear. The only difference in this is I place my care, trust, and hope with man and the poisons they have created, but honestly believe that only God can heal me. It truly is in His hands, no matter what they make swallow. I pray, I pray every night for my sons, my husband, my friends, family and every single person who has offered me hope. Then I pray for the selfish person that I am, and that God knows I am, and ask him to heal me. Why I think I deserve His generosity over some other person, I haven't even stopped and asked myself. I simply pray for my healing, admit that I'm selfish, not likely to change and pray for His forgiveness. If I'm wrong, at this point I'm willing to be wrong and beg God's forgiveness and grace.

Ok, well, I made it through the tummy bug, I made it through #3 chemo. I am now at work.... desperately wishing for the end of the the shift. What possesses me to agree to work 12 hour shifts, other than abject poverty, is beyond me. I'm not doing patient care, because I don't want to make mistakes, and let's face it I'm not at my best. I sit in a little room, and watch heart beats. I'm not sure how much more of this I can take. I can't wait to crawl into my bed! I may not emerge until Sunday, when Riley has to sing in the choir.
I got out and coached CC this Thursday. Well, it's more like I laid in the grass, calling out times to keep the kids on pace and instructions on form. I'm pretty sure that's not "coaching" in the traditional sense, but I think all involved were the better for it. At least the kids can say I take a "laid back" approach to CC. In case you hadn't noticed my main motivation in life is my kids and MLCA. Congrats to MLCA for putting up with my constant interfering, and "unique" approach to getting something done. My list of " I owe you so much", grows longer every day. LuElle for taking the boys on Fridays, Corrie, for picking them up on a moments notice. John and Kristi Heffron, for driving me around. Kristi and Schel and everyone else involved in the scrapbooking event that is coming up. I'm a lousy historian, and y'all make something beautiful for each of my boys and my husband. For everyone contributing to the lunches for the boys, thank you, thank you, thank you, that makes my mornings so much easier. For all of the dinners we have received... I can't even begin. Even Parker eats them and that's hard to do!
Loyalty. That has been on my mind a lot recently. It's a value we try to instill in our children, one we try to honor (as long as it doesn't cost us too much) and a value we all like to think we have. I can honestly say, that I have been described as loyal. (or beating a dead horse, you choose.) I am surprised, and gladdened to see that my co-workers, church, and school have once again stood by my side in my time of crisis. You thank God for once, but to witness it and be the recipient of such loyalty TWICE. Unbelievable. Anyway, loyalty is a too way street. One of my best friend's is no longer speaking to me. I "broke" her husband's boundary by inviting them to a family event. He's furious with me and we had quite the showdown at work, since we're both such wilting personalties. I miss my friend. She always made me laugh, and could even make fun of the fact that I was bald without being mean. Truly, she's hilarious! But, I admire her strength and loyalty to her husband. Like his decision or not, she has stood by him. And, I made a point of telling him he should be thankful for her. I'm saddened that the casualty was a friendship, but heartened that she remains true to herself, and is loyal.

I haven't posted in a week or more, I've been lying in bed wishing for a merciful end. I finally feel a little better, but tomorrow I have chemo and down the spiral we go again. For those of you keeping count (ME!!!!!!!!) This is treatment #3, with 3 to go. This does not take into account, possible radiation, and whatever fun and games MD Anderson recommends, recurrences and so on. Aaaahhh the joys of life. I have tasted a wide variety of soups in the past week. (Note to self...Tomato Soup, does not stay down well, and is scary looking when it comes back up.) The kids have had a hard week, I've been of no assistance to them at all. They come in my room, hug the lump in the bed that is presumably me and tell me, "I love you mom." I mumble something in return. Just think, my sons' fondest memories of me will not be of me, but the lump I formed under the bed comforter. And Matt says it makes no difference what type of comforter you put on the bed, "It's just a really big blanket." Whatever.

I went out to lunch with friends from work today. It's the first time Ive been out of the house in about a week. It was good to see them. We spoke of a former co-worker with cancer, and how we would all like to help her out. She won't return calls, or texts and I don't know where she lives. This bothers us all, because we don't know if she has help, or enough help. Another nurse I've worked with for years, Eva, was just diagnosed with Pancreatic cancer. I feel SMOTHERED by cancer. She has surgery on Thursday. She's about 20 years older than I, but let me spell out her options. When they do her surgery, depending on the location of the tumor and size...they will take the tail of the Pancreas, the Common Bile Duct and the Gallbladder. End result, hope for the best and she's now Diabetic. If the tumor is too big, or over to far, well you've seen those horror movies where they scoop out all you insides, that's options #2. All but necessary organs required for life are left. And, BTW, that does not include a bladder, intestines, except for a small pouch. She seemed calmed (we all know how I reacted--HYSTERIA). I asked what was the plan after the surgery? Chemo, Radiation? Newsflash to me the reason Pancreatic cancer is so deadly... Surgery is the only known treatment. I think I'd be playing 1 potato, 2 potato with the gun I plan on using. And she managed to sit calmly through lunch, talk, laugh and visit. Man, I admire her. I wish I had her strength, because honestly, I'd be under my new bed comforter.


P.S. If you ever wonder about the nurse shortage---they all have cancer.

I haven't written much lately, I guess because I seem to rehash the same old whining. this week was a good one. I got out of the house and that made a huge difference in my attitude. I had lunch with my friend Connie. I know her from work. She took me out, fed me mexican food and offered alcohol. I miss work. Sounds weird, I know, but I do. I miss being so busy that I don;t have time to pee. Listening to someone tell me that they have a sore throat because they've been smoking crack for the last three days, and they just want something for the pain. I also, kinda miss, the people that come in with a sick kid, "and since we're all here we might as well check in and get checked over", all 9 of them. Mostly, I miss the stimulation. Doesn't take critical thinking skills to nap and change the channel on the tv. I'm slowly crawling out of the big, black, hole of depression. I no longer contemplate suicide. I sing along with the radio, and even smile every once in a while. I know that mentally, I'm still lost, but I'm finding a way, a path. I was supposed to be at the boys' Valentine's parties, and was looking forward to it, I was going to work this week... But, side effects from my medicine kept me away from both. Good news... after 2 days of basically not walking and staying in bed and taking pain pills, I can now put on shoes. Bad news... it took 2 days and I find that frustrating because that's 2 days of my life that I missed out on. I've begun stalking people on the phone, so don't be surprised if I have your number... I will call it. What can I say, I've never done boredom well.
Labs are still looking decent. My white cells are trending down, despite Neulasta. And this after only 2 treatments. I see this as an indicator that by the time I finish all 6 treatments, I may not have many white cells left. We'll see. Also, I finally got my chart down to M D Anderson Hospital in Houston. Now, I'm just waiting to see if I can get an appointment. Pray for, "YES". I'm really interested in talking to this Dr. She works specifically with BRCA gene positive patients, that are advanced stages or having a recurrence.
On a positive note, I was attacked by a squirrel this week. I have lived in Keller basically my whole life. I have lived in a house with a forest for a yard, my whole life. I have never had a close encouter of third kind with a squirrel before. I left the windows on my van partially down, as usual, and they stayed that way for a couple of hours. I got in my van, to go on an errand only to find that a squirrel had gotten in. The squirrel was running all over the van trying to get out, I was screaming and out of the van like a flash. I assure you, most of what came out of my mouth was not nice. If the neighbors heard, I'm pretty sure they will try to keep the kids away from the "crazy" lady next door. I quickly opened all the doors and went inside the house to hide from this fiendish monster until it was safe. So, If you look into my van a see a stick, I now carry one for safety from all the attacking wildlife.

Today is a new day... Yesterday was frustrating for me and I felt like I had to argue with just about everyone to get the information and medications I need to get through the day. Phlebotomists telling me what labs should be ordered, instead of just doing what was ordered. Pharmacy Techs that feel the need to tell me my medications are unnecessary. I'm beginning to understand that Pharmacy Techs and I are not compatible at all. I'm pretty well known in my family for expressing my opinion, loudly, until you agree with me. Therefore, until I find a pharmacy, where that techs either fear me speaking to them, or just agree with the Pharmacist and/or Dr. I guess, I'll be moving my scripts around. I hate that, but I also hate having to explain and argue for my meds every single week.
My sister came by the house and took the boys out for dinner. That was perfect! allowed me to decompress and try and control the crying. (apparently, any sort of stress right now makes me cry.) As well as, gave the boys a break from the schizophrenic they have as a mom.
The dogs ran away. AGAIN! Tahoe only runs away at night, in the rain, and she takes Sugar with her. Y'all, check on Matt, He comes home to find me in tears over a sleeping pill and yelling at the Pharm Tech, discovers the dogs are missing, which makes the kids cry, and goes out in the rain and dark with a flashlight and his truck. Looking for a Black and Tan dog. He was either that anxious to get away from mass hysteria, or that desperate to find the dogs and save the day. I'm not sure which motivated him, but the end result was the same. He tried, after a long day to find lost dogs and then come home and deal with US. I'm surprised sometimes the man doesn't just hang out in bars.
The dogs, by the way, were on their own time table. Gabe woke up early and found Sugar asleep in her bed in the bathroom, and Tahoe decided it was time to come home by howling outside our bedroom window at 0300. They better have had a good time. : (

Gabe's birthday weekend went GREAT!!! He and his friends had fantastic time at Great Wolf Lodge. He waited so patiently for his party, and to those of you who made it happen... Thank you so much, He will have those memories forever. And, so will I. I observed from the side lines ( such a wimp, even THAT made me tired) and I loved every smile that crossed his face. Nothing makes me happier than to see my sons' smile.

Ok, well I had my second treatment today. I feel like I've been hit by a truck. Some little pharmacy tech decided he was going to be difficult and not refill my meds. As some of you may witnessed and/or guessed, I ate him for dinner, and my medicatoins were refilled, immediately. Another highlight, I took a shower and more hair came out by the handsfull. Matt was trying to make me feel better and made a joke about bald spots. I broke into tears, and he felt like just terrible. He was only trying to make me smile, but I'm just so damned emotional about this. Long story short, I snapped. At Matt, at the kids, at my hair, at everything. I took a pair of Kindergarten scissors and really butchered my hair. Then I took the trimmer for the back of Matt's neck and got rid of the rest of crap. I am now bald, I hate it! I acted out of anger and need to control. my price to pay. I was sick of running my hands through my hair just to see how much would come out. Fixed that! So, to those of you involved in the Hair Loss Lotto, today is the day Feb. 3rd. It's official... bald. Winner picks the charity to benefit. If everyone, who has not already paid, please forward to money to me at school if you see me, or by mail at P.O. Box 1143, Keller, TX 76248. Last count we raised $465. I also have a dinner card for the winner/winners, I'll let you chose the one you want. Again thanks to evreyone for playing and thank you even more for your thoughts, prayers, hugs and support. LOVE YOU ALL!!!!!

I went to work!!!! This for me is quite momentous. I worked Friday and Saturday 12 hours, but I didn't do pt care. No sense scaring the patients when their nurse breaks down crying or starts to act really weird. No, I was in the telemetry room watching 45 heart beats. Now when you do this you watching for abnormalities, which I so professionally refer to as "funk, funky, funkiness" pick your tense. I also watch for progression of heart attacks, possible PE and other such changes. I also refer to these as, See the above. And, my report usually consists of, "they've been well behaved, watch this one for problems." I really know what I'm doing, really. Just don't do any of the above mentioned "funk" after 0200. I was fighting off sleep and desperately trying to stay awake. Now, I know that you find this sooooo reassuring, but relax, there are two of us.... fighting off naps. World's not perfect I guess. So, anyway, it went well. We handled our "problems" and everyone got through the night.
I was exhausted and didn't attend Gabe's choir performance at church. That's the first one I've missed I think and I felt awful. I'm not even sure he noticed.
My hair is falling out by the handful now. I HATE it! I thought I would never have to go through this again, and in a few days I'll be bald...again. The best part of when my hair grew back in, was feeling the breeze/wind blow through my hair. For months now, I won't get to have that. The doctors all have posters of what cancer can't take. And, I agree with all of them, it won't take my dignity, my spirit, my family, friends, or the many other things listed. But. It does take many things which I can't help but feel like it has robbed me of. I won't feel the wind in my hair when I walk through the woods at the ranch. I won't feel the wind, when I hold one of my boys riding on the four wheeler. And, when I'm upset, how can my husband soothe me by playing with my hair. When I go out in public with my boys, I feel like I'm a walking neon sign "LOOK!!!!" she has cancer, or she's sick. People notice... some avoid, some come up and (God bless them) offer encouragement, others stare. My children notice. I wear baseball hats, because they blend in better than scarves and wigs. At least, that how I feel. It's my way of feeling "normal". I guess it is my coping mechanism, everyone finds a way. So, today my hair is here. And, like a crazy person I haven't washed it since Friday (gross but true.) I find myself trying like hell to hang on to the last thing I have, that doesn't scream that I'm different.

P.S. I have at least rinsed the dirt out, very, very gently.

Gabe's Party

For those or you wishing to contribute to Gabe's birthday party ( I humbly thank you), here are some gift card ideas...

Wal-Mart
Game Stop
Kohls
Movie Tickets
Incredible Pizza
Mountasia

Don't even think that this is a boy that does without, we are simply in a rough patch right now. I am amazed at the outpouring of support my family has received. To think of it makes me praise God and remind the boys of the example everyone is setting for them. Of how a kind, God loving person responds to others in times of need. I hope that my sons grow to be gentlemen of this sort, that would make me most proud.

Well, this week has been a whirlwind. The boys got to stay home for inclement weather for two days. They were disappointed that it was ice and not snow, and even more disappointed that I made them do homework each day. But, I think they had fun. I had my aunt Kathy and my cousin Geri visit from Sedona, AZ. We spent last Easter with them and that's when the boys got to see the Painted Desert, Petrified Forest, and the Grand Canyon. That's also the road trip where my dad and I had to endure the last 6 hours home with Mason, Gabe, Riley and Parker, riding in the Excursion in there boxers convinced they had contracted the Bubonic Plague (from that cute little mouse they caught at Cadillac Ranch.) They spent hours peppering me with questions about the plague, signs, symptoms, how long does it take to get sick, the history of the nursery rhyme, ring-around-a rosie... By the time we got to the ranch, I just told them to stop talking, and if they died on the way to the house, I would stop and leave them at the hospital. I thought it would never end. 6 weeks later, Mason had a rash on the back of his arm, he comes to me in a panic, convinced that he NOW has the plague and what should he do????? I almost cried. First, it was dry skin, second that set off a whole new round of concerns about plague among the boys and many, MANY phone calls at all hours of the night. I don't think any of my boys, will play with mice ever again.
Anyway, it was great to see them, and visit, and I will be going to Sedona in 2 weeks to spend a little more time with them.
I had my picture taken with with just my sister and I today. Pictures make me cry. It reminds me that everyone, who tell me to fight with all I've got, want a picture of me healthy, with hair, and smiling...to remember me by. It reminds me that my time is finite, and we all know it. That it may be months or years, maybe even a decade or more, but not a "lifetime". I realize that any one person, can die at any time, but for the most part we conduct our lives with no thought of our own mortality. It's kinda a mystery, you don't know where, or when, or why? and truth be told you don't think about it. I have been given a clock by which to mark my time. Pictures, mark the passing of a lifetime, the kids growing up, You and your husband, aging together. Right now, for me, pictures mean, there's a time I won't be in them. One day my sons will sit down for a photographer, my husband will smile and encourage them, and I won't be there. My time will be up, much too soon for me. I hate that my boys will now mark their memories with me by which time I had lost my hair, by where the last tumor was. That road trips and vacations will be planned around whether or not I have some sort of treatment.
I spend more time whining, don't I? I feel for each of my friends and family members. Thank you for your tolerance and patience. I'm sure this too shall pass, or else my Doc will increase my meds and then I can be blissfully medicated and walk around with a loopy drugged up grin on my face. I seriously wonder sometimes if I'm stopped by a cop, if they will make me take some sort of roadside DUI test. I wonder if I'll pass?

OH, the weekend...

Well, let's see.... Friday, I was sick, Saturday, I was sick, Sunday, I was sick. I could be wrong, but I'm sensing a pattern here. Are you? So I spent most of my weekend in bed, miserable with my trusty medications and a barf bag. Can you believe Matt actually tried to carry on a phone conversation with me in the background yakking up whatever it was I may have thought about eating. Imagine what the person on the other end on the phone was thinking... "Man, he's a jerk! He hasn't even asked if she's ok?" or "Did Matt say they were expecting?" or how about, "Dude, turn the volume on the TV down!" Which only goes to show that Matt is so accustomed to my being sick that it equates to background noise for him. That's sad, really, really sad.
On the happier side of the planet the boys had a great weekend. Thanks in part to our many considerate and generous friends. Natasha and Stace cooked up, I use this phrase on purpose, that Riley and Parker should come and spend Friday night with them. They planned to spoil them rotten. Which they did. Riley and Parker had a great time! Apparently, Riley told everyone, "You guys get the cold lonely pool. I get the hot tub with the ladies!" The boys had a fantastic time. Thank you Stace, for giving them this break I think they so desperately needed. They smiled, really smiled when they came home and it felt great to see it. You made my weekend so much better. Gabe had a friend over, Felix, he's been a friend for years. Gabe wanted to show off his new all-his-own- room. They played games, rode bikes, planned raids on the kid down the street. And they were both asleep by midnight. Worn out. I sent Felix home exhausted. So all in all, it was a good weekend. My kids were happy, that makes me happy. I don't think I have met a person like Stace. She always has a smile, a plan. She's informed on current issues and kid issues and is just this amazing ball of energy! Seeing as how most days, I don't want to get out of bed, I really admire that in her. Thanks again.

Oh, let's not forget the lotto on when my hair falls out. If you haven't texted, or emailed me with the date you choose, the dollar amount you want to donate. Hurry up! My hair is starting to thin. Winner gets a gift card and and gets to choose the charity it benefits.

What to say, what to say...

Well, let's see. I have plenty of things on my mind, but only some for public consumption. I talked with a former co-worker today. She and I worked in North Hills ER together for several years and have been out of touch for several years. We were friendly, but never really friends. I'm sure that plenty of you know what I mean. Anyway, she was diagnosed with Stg 3 Breast Cancer just last month. She and I now share an uncommon and unfortunate bond. Young women (she's 37) who have advanced breast cancer. We spoke openly and honestly with each other, she admits to being angry, and that I felt like I was the only person on the planet facing their own mortality, and not being happy with it. We spoke for some time...which was surprising to us both, I realized that perhaps we each need the outlet that the other provided, ears that were not biased, not necessarily going to soft petal crap, and maybe even anger, but only with honesty. I find that I want to help her beyond all means necessary and that I'm more upset with her diagnosis than I thought I might. It's not fair!!!! Why young women????? Why young MOMS????? I understand where my cancer came from, I carry the gene, my mother had it, my grandmother had. Why does SHE have it? There's no history in her family, she's young, previously healthy!!! Why did this insidious disease choose her to wreak it's havoc on???? The anger I never felt with my diagnosis, the WHY? I never felt with my own diagnosis, is now pouring out of me with abundance at the unfairness of CANCER!!!! I know that most people are touched, moved and changed by very personal connections with cancer. Through that loved one, that friend at work, or school, but how many of them are young? We (myself included) view cancer as part of the circle of life and that it happens to the other person, that other OLDER person. That it can't happen to us (which I have most definitely proven wrong), but it does. And it sucks, very much! That the cycle of life is not necessarily the 72 years for men and the 76.3 the US government says it is. That sometimes that cycle is far shorter. That the young as well as the old get sick and die. That just because you're 80, doesn't mean you're ready to move on to "your eternal reward". That hearing the devastating words, the name of whatever horrible illness that will eventually rob you of the future that you had planned, gets any easier....Ever. That the little old lady that comes to my ER complaining of difficulty breathing, is facing her own demons. That she feels just as lost, angry, and alone as I sometimes do. That she is someone's loved on, friend, neighbor or co-worker. That we're all connected, in good ways and bad, in happiness and sadness... That I have an opportunity, to help her, console her, and fill some small part of her need. I realize now, 14 years after I got into nursing, that this is what I find most satisfying. That this is the reason I am here. That maybe God has some plan and I had some lesson to learn in humility and caring. I hope that I make him proud and I hope that he allows me to hang around long enough to share this with my patients. Basically I hope, I hope...

Just another day...

Well, let's see... not a lot going on. Gabe has moved into his own room downstairs, and, I think is loving it. He swears that he doesn't want to change the wall paper (that has been there for 30 years, and was chosen by my father as "appropriate for a home office.) I scratch my head and wonder how this fits into the whole teenage boy thing. Over this "very appropriate" wallpaper, it is decorated with motorcycles, mustangs, and any sort of speed machine a 13 y/o might dream about. Riley and Parker are moving into the big room, and Mason will have his own room soon also. So, it looks like musical furniture upstairs and down. Riley is sleeping on the floor of Gabe's room and Park (with very little encouragement from moi.) is snuggling me. Matt is wishing for a little more room in the bed, but me...I need the snuggles.
Natasha drove me for labs yesterday. Good news, WBC's are up where they need to be, so I can continue to go out in public when I feel like crawling out from under my bed comforter. Natasha is a truly interesting and good person. I can talk to her without lectures, we laugh about what the kids have done. She and her husband have 3 great kids. And, doing all this, she appears to not mind having to cool her heels in a Dr's office for an hour or 2 at a time. I wish that were positions reversed, I knew without a doubt I could be that type of person for her. Thank you, Natasha, for making these treks bearable. I can only aspire to be that thoughtful.

Today was a good day....

Thanks to friends, today was a good day. The pictures that Tracy Marie Preston so graciously took, she brought to me on a CD and they far surpassed my expectations and were everything I was looking for. Thank you so much for that gift. She and her husband Scot picked Riley up and had him play with their son Brady. Riley talks about Brady so much, it's like he lives here. Kris Carter met me at the park and Chase and Colby (her sons), played with Parker. And Riley and Brady when they got there. Kris and I watched the boys and wondered how much of that sand was going back to the house with us. A couple of times, Park tried to convince me water was absolutely necessary to play in sand. But, I took a deep breath, used all the training I got in the army and have sharpened in the ER and said, "Of course, honey, but don't you think you'll be cold?" So much for inner steel, I think my boys have changed the term to "inner steal". I can practically see their little minds plotting who to have ask me what, to their collective benefit. Have I mentioned that I think I lost the war on parenting a long time ago? So everyone played, Kris and I talked, I know I cried. That's my new sport, and we walked around and discussed better living through pharmaceuticals. (at least for me) I mention this because I think I caught more than a few looks askance from the park going crowd with statements such as... "drugs help me cope.", and " I'm not kidding, drugs are the only reason some days that I can crawl out from under my covers." These remarks are, of course completely out of context. But, admit it, you would probably take your kids to play at the other end of the park away from the "druggie mom" if you heard these snippets. I would, then I would be texting my best friend, saying, "these people have too much money and time on their hands!" What must be going through their minds! I can only imagine...

Oh Teri! I thought of you when I received my dx. Of how unfair this has all been to you, to me. I'm so happy to hear that you are doing well and sincerely hope that you continue to do so. Harbor no anger or disappointment for me, it serves no purpose and wastes energy. Use that energy to enjoy all of your days, play with your kids and love them. That's my major plan for life now. Pray, for my kids, my husband and for me, but also for yourself and your family.
I stand alone, in a crowd of millions, wearing only the armor of God in this battle. I have hope in the medicine that my doctors plan for me, but choose to put my FAITH elsewhere. Love you

Ask and ye shall receive...

Wow!!!! The tears are flowing (has anybody seen me not cry in the last few weeks?) I asked for a completely unnecessary expense, something for my son. And the response has been overwhelming. Thank you to my sister, for immediately stepping up and saying, "let me do this for you." Thank you to Tara Wright, my friend, co-worker, and fearless (hyperactive?) cancer warrior, for immediately saying, " We can do this! Let's pick a date." To Julie, just your thoughts of help and offers to share are the very attributes I hope to teach my sons, Thank you. Through all of this I try to maintain, that caring and generosity, and love are some of the most important gifts I can share with my boys. Because of all of you and the thoughts, prayers and love you share, you have set a very POWERFUL example for them to follow. Sarah Cantrell. Words cannot express my gratitude. Thank you for being such a thoughtful friend, and quick to respond. Gabe's birthday party is very important to me, and y'all have made it important to you. Thank you.

I have a need...

Here goes... I have a need. My eldest son, Gabe, has yet to have a 13th birthday party. I wanted to do something really special for him. I feel so bad for him, he's been so loving, understanding and helpful under some of the most trying circumstance, and his life just keeps being disrupted. I would like to take him and a few friends to Great Wolf Lodge in Grapevine. I won't be able to swim in the park (something to do with little to no immune system, but hey, who needs it anyway!) but I can supervise, and being a hotel I will have a room to rest in. I think that he and his friends would have a nice time. I'm so sorry to ask, at this time I just can't make any celebration a reality for him and he's been so patient and looking forward to his party. I thank God with each and every breath, that I have this venue for expression, and friends and family willing to listen (and read!) my whining. My goodness! Don't you have something more interesting to do or read?????

4 Days Down...

Well, let's see. 4 days down out of a 21 day cycle. The laundry is caught up, the kitchen is clean. I am avoiding the bathrooms, because I detest cleaning bathrooms. (this is not a call to arms. I will get it done...eventually.) I'm tired, I have a lot of bone pain. I blame my best friend Ann for that. She came to the house and gave me my Neulasta shot. But, I thank her, because that means one less trip to the Dr.'s office. The boys are doing well, Gabe and I have had several very honest conversations with each other. That's a lot to shoulder at such a young age and I feel like I am burdening him to lighten my load. That being said, he usually initiates these chats, we both cry, hug and look forward to our future. I told him I was proud of him and he seems surprised. I explained that he's grown so mature, a true example of the man I hope he'll be. Strong in mind, body, spirit, self, God. He appears to me to be my shining beacon. I love him so much. Park and Rye, well, they are having a blast with mom being home so much now. I have become the target of many Nerf darts. And, I'll honestly say, 3 weeks ago, that would have really annoyed me. The fact that they don't, yet, view me as ill, and want to play with me... does me wonders. Even the dogs have benefited greatly, they are enjoying many more treats these days. My mom and step-dad, nephews, sister, have all been wonderful. Hugs, foot rubs (which I admit, I exploit.) you name it my family his there for me. My dad calls everyday to update me on the prayers of my extended family, and offer his support.
To each and every person who has included me and my family in their prayers and hearts, for every meal, lunch, hugs, tear shared, phone call, email and text message...I thank you profusely. It's so easy to be come isolated in illness and you make me feel still a part of the outside world. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

The day after...

OK, I obviously lived through the night. I helped get the boys get ready for school, which felt so blessedly normal I actually look forward to it. My balance and equilibrium are off which led my step-dad to ask if I'd been drinking. I told him no, of course, but if he would kindly lead me to his stash I could help lighten his load.

I have decided when you plan your days and weeks around Dr. appointments, you feel old. When you look in the pill divider and the don't all fit, you feel old. When your pills make up your breakfast, you old. Enough said... the very young dogs want to play with the thing lying on the bed. (me)

Big Day

I'm to start chemo today. I think Matt's a little concerned as it is 0945 and I have not yet gotten in the shower. Reluctant doesn't even begin to cover how I feel. "Lamb to the slaughter" seems to cover my sentiments pretty well. We'll see...

Monday, Monday...

Well, let's see. I guess I can start this project with info. I have started this blog to keep my family and friends updated on what the boys are doing, both in school and out. As well as, Matt, how he's feeling and what going with him. And, of course, me. Quick background on me. 2 years ago, December 2006, I was diagnosed with Stg 2b breast cancer. I was 32. Turns out I am BRCA1 positive---no surprise there as most women in my family have had breast cancer at some point, and I was 2 years older than my mom was when she was diagnosed. I went through the hell of chemotherapy, followed by radiation. Which, by the way, is a special hell I hope few are honored to endure. Ahh freedom. I enjoyed the next year tremendously. I co-chaired VBS for our church, I helped coach Cross Country for the school, I was camp nurse at the camp my boys attend.I took the boys on a road trip to the Grand Canyon. I returned to work. My husband and I made plans and were looking forward to buying a house and leaving my mother's. On Janauary 3, 2009, I went to the hospital complaining of right sided chest pain with inspiration and short of breath. What I thought would be pneumonia, and possibly a PE, was in fact breast cancer metastisis to my right lung, good news doesn't stop there- The bone scan revealed that I have mets in both hips as well as, my low back. (enter hysterical crying here)

I spent a week in the hospital, and was finally sent back to my home, with a plan in place. I am to begin chemotherapy on Tuesday for what is now Stg 4 breast cancer. I now find that my life expectancy has been considerably shortened, and I'm not very happy about it. Bless his heart, Matt responded, "Honey, you're just in a deep depression." Besides wanting to throw something at him, my considered response was, "You think?" So... that being said I have started this journal, so to speak, as an outlet, and information for friends and family. If I rant angrily, please forgive, If I'm slow to post please forgive. I have had so many people reach out to me and my family. The response has been amazing. Messiah Lutheran Church and School, such a loving support last time, has once again offered their assistance. North Hills Hospital, the staff in so many departments, have shared tears, given hugs, offered help, prayers, you name it. To each and every person, I can not thank you enough. Enough whingin for tonight, tomorrow is day 1, round 2. Wish me luck.