I went to work!!!! This for me is quite momentous. I worked Friday and Saturday 12 hours, but I didn't do pt care. No sense scaring the patients when their nurse breaks down crying or starts to act really weird. No, I was in the telemetry room watching 45 heart beats. Now when you do this you watching for abnormalities, which I so professionally refer to as "funk, funky, funkiness" pick your tense. I also watch for progression of heart attacks, possible PE and other such changes. I also refer to these as, See the above. And, my report usually consists of, "they've been well behaved, watch this one for problems." I really know what I'm doing, really. Just don't do any of the above mentioned "funk" after 0200. I was fighting off sleep and desperately trying to stay awake. Now, I know that you find this sooooo reassuring, but relax, there are two of us.... fighting off naps. World's not perfect I guess. So, anyway, it went well. We handled our "problems" and everyone got through the night.
I was exhausted and didn't attend Gabe's choir performance at church. That's the first one I've missed I think and I felt awful. I'm not even sure he noticed.
My hair is falling out by the handful now. I HATE it! I thought I would never have to go through this again, and in a few days I'll be bald...again. The best part of when my hair grew back in, was feeling the breeze/wind blow through my hair. For months now, I won't get to have that. The doctors all have posters of what cancer can't take. And, I agree with all of them, it won't take my dignity, my spirit, my family, friends, or the many other things listed. But. It does take many things which I can't help but feel like it has robbed me of. I won't feel the wind in my hair when I walk through the woods at the ranch. I won't feel the wind, when I hold one of my boys riding on the four wheeler. And, when I'm upset, how can my husband soothe me by playing with my hair. When I go out in public with my boys, I feel like I'm a walking neon sign "LOOK!!!!" she has cancer, or she's sick. People notice... some avoid, some come up and (God bless them) offer encouragement, others stare. My children notice. I wear baseball hats, because they blend in better than scarves and wigs. At least, that how I feel. It's my way of feeling "normal". I guess it is my coping mechanism, everyone finds a way. So, today my hair is here. And, like a crazy person I haven't washed it since Friday (gross but true.) I find myself trying like hell to hang on to the last thing I have, that doesn't scream that I'm different.

P.S. I have at least rinsed the dirt out, very, very gently.