What to say, what to say...

Well, let's see. I have plenty of things on my mind, but only some for public consumption. I talked with a former co-worker today. She and I worked in North Hills ER together for several years and have been out of touch for several years. We were friendly, but never really friends. I'm sure that plenty of you know what I mean. Anyway, she was diagnosed with Stg 3 Breast Cancer just last month. She and I now share an uncommon and unfortunate bond. Young women (she's 37) who have advanced breast cancer. We spoke openly and honestly with each other, she admits to being angry, and that I felt like I was the only person on the planet facing their own mortality, and not being happy with it. We spoke for some time...which was surprising to us both, I realized that perhaps we each need the outlet that the other provided, ears that were not biased, not necessarily going to soft petal crap, and maybe even anger, but only with honesty. I find that I want to help her beyond all means necessary and that I'm more upset with her diagnosis than I thought I might. It's not fair!!!! Why young women????? Why young MOMS????? I understand where my cancer came from, I carry the gene, my mother had it, my grandmother had. Why does SHE have it? There's no history in her family, she's young, previously healthy!!! Why did this insidious disease choose her to wreak it's havoc on???? The anger I never felt with my diagnosis, the WHY? I never felt with my own diagnosis, is now pouring out of me with abundance at the unfairness of CANCER!!!! I know that most people are touched, moved and changed by very personal connections with cancer. Through that loved one, that friend at work, or school, but how many of them are young? We (myself included) view cancer as part of the circle of life and that it happens to the other person, that other OLDER person. That it can't happen to us (which I have most definitely proven wrong), but it does. And it sucks, very much! That the cycle of life is not necessarily the 72 years for men and the 76.3 the US government says it is. That sometimes that cycle is far shorter. That the young as well as the old get sick and die. That just because you're 80, doesn't mean you're ready to move on to "your eternal reward". That hearing the devastating words, the name of whatever horrible illness that will eventually rob you of the future that you had planned, gets any easier....Ever. That the little old lady that comes to my ER complaining of difficulty breathing, is facing her own demons. That she feels just as lost, angry, and alone as I sometimes do. That she is someone's loved on, friend, neighbor or co-worker. That we're all connected, in good ways and bad, in happiness and sadness... That I have an opportunity, to help her, console her, and fill some small part of her need. I realize now, 14 years after I got into nursing, that this is what I find most satisfying. That this is the reason I am here. That maybe God has some plan and I had some lesson to learn in humility and caring. I hope that I make him proud and I hope that he allows me to hang around long enough to share this with my patients. Basically I hope, I hope...

Just another day...

Well, let's see... not a lot going on. Gabe has moved into his own room downstairs, and, I think is loving it. He swears that he doesn't want to change the wall paper (that has been there for 30 years, and was chosen by my father as "appropriate for a home office.) I scratch my head and wonder how this fits into the whole teenage boy thing. Over this "very appropriate" wallpaper, it is decorated with motorcycles, mustangs, and any sort of speed machine a 13 y/o might dream about. Riley and Parker are moving into the big room, and Mason will have his own room soon also. So, it looks like musical furniture upstairs and down. Riley is sleeping on the floor of Gabe's room and Park (with very little encouragement from moi.) is snuggling me. Matt is wishing for a little more room in the bed, but me...I need the snuggles.
Natasha drove me for labs yesterday. Good news, WBC's are up where they need to be, so I can continue to go out in public when I feel like crawling out from under my bed comforter. Natasha is a truly interesting and good person. I can talk to her without lectures, we laugh about what the kids have done. She and her husband have 3 great kids. And, doing all this, she appears to not mind having to cool her heels in a Dr's office for an hour or 2 at a time. I wish that were positions reversed, I knew without a doubt I could be that type of person for her. Thank you, Natasha, for making these treks bearable. I can only aspire to be that thoughtful.

Today was a good day....

Thanks to friends, today was a good day. The pictures that Tracy Marie Preston so graciously took, she brought to me on a CD and they far surpassed my expectations and were everything I was looking for. Thank you so much for that gift. She and her husband Scot picked Riley up and had him play with their son Brady. Riley talks about Brady so much, it's like he lives here. Kris Carter met me at the park and Chase and Colby (her sons), played with Parker. And Riley and Brady when they got there. Kris and I watched the boys and wondered how much of that sand was going back to the house with us. A couple of times, Park tried to convince me water was absolutely necessary to play in sand. But, I took a deep breath, used all the training I got in the army and have sharpened in the ER and said, "Of course, honey, but don't you think you'll be cold?" So much for inner steel, I think my boys have changed the term to "inner steal". I can practically see their little minds plotting who to have ask me what, to their collective benefit. Have I mentioned that I think I lost the war on parenting a long time ago? So everyone played, Kris and I talked, I know I cried. That's my new sport, and we walked around and discussed better living through pharmaceuticals. (at least for me) I mention this because I think I caught more than a few looks askance from the park going crowd with statements such as... "drugs help me cope.", and " I'm not kidding, drugs are the only reason some days that I can crawl out from under my covers." These remarks are, of course completely out of context. But, admit it, you would probably take your kids to play at the other end of the park away from the "druggie mom" if you heard these snippets. I would, then I would be texting my best friend, saying, "these people have too much money and time on their hands!" What must be going through their minds! I can only imagine...

Oh Teri! I thought of you when I received my dx. Of how unfair this has all been to you, to me. I'm so happy to hear that you are doing well and sincerely hope that you continue to do so. Harbor no anger or disappointment for me, it serves no purpose and wastes energy. Use that energy to enjoy all of your days, play with your kids and love them. That's my major plan for life now. Pray, for my kids, my husband and for me, but also for yourself and your family.
I stand alone, in a crowd of millions, wearing only the armor of God in this battle. I have hope in the medicine that my doctors plan for me, but choose to put my FAITH elsewhere. Love you