Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Ok, I know that I haven't posted in a while, honestly, I've been too sick. I'll spare you the details. Updates, my past Oncologist and I have had a parting of the ways, We carry different opinions about my care, and I long ago lost my reverence of anyone with MD behind their name. I've seen them puke over stupid stuff, reminds you that their just people. Anyway, Matt and I have travelled to MDA in Houston. Of course, looking for a miracle, and not finding one. The clinical trial I want to join is now closed, but phase 2 is coming up and I hope to be in that. Long story short, if there has been no disease progression since starting treatment good, I will continue on same meds and they might add one additional for bones...if their has been disease progression despite treatment, well, that falls under bad news and we move on to different drugs. Basically, my expected life span is about 3-10 years. Not what we wanted to hear. The only difference in this is I place my care, trust, and hope with man and the poisons they have created, but honestly believe that only God can heal me. It truly is in His hands, no matter what they make swallow. I pray, I pray every night for my sons, my husband, my friends, family and every single person who has offered me hope. Then I pray for the selfish person that I am, and that God knows I am, and ask him to heal me. Why I think I deserve His generosity over some other person, I haven't even stopped and asked myself. I simply pray for my healing, admit that I'm selfish, not likely to change and pray for His forgiveness. If I'm wrong, at this point I'm willing to be wrong and beg God's forgiveness and grace.
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Oh, Lorri, take heart. I love you so much, and I know that there are so many people who, like I, would do anything and everything to make things right. I cling to G-d's Word. He said, "Ask, and you will receive." He said WILL, not maybe, not might, not possibly. WILL. I stand on that. He said He loves not disease, sickness. He said we suffer because we know not. I stand on this, too. I demand it of myself. I insist that I know the Truth of this, and I cling to the knowledge that although I can never ever be worthy of His grace and mercy, and I can never "pay back" the things He has done for me and mine, He sees me through His eyes and I am precious, too. You are beautiful and precious to Him as well.
ReplyDeleteHello from Paula. I just found out your blog address. I have thought of you often and keep you and your family in our prayers. I talk to I.W. and will give her your blog site. I did not know about Eva until I read this. I will keep her in my prayers also. I did Locks of Love for I.W., so I have short hair now. I saw her the second week of Feb. I will check back at your site. Maybe you can bring the boys to the boat races again in Fort Worth.
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